The Lukewarm Butterknife
Fireaxe Newsletter - edition 10.3.1
Apr. 1, 2007
"On March 2nd I woke up in the body of a 40 year-old.
Mine, of course. And while the number seemed to be
awfully intimidating I still felt pretty good for my age.
So I went to the mirror and took a good look at myself
and saw someone who still looked young, healthy, and
able to take on the world. I said to myself, 'forty is just
a number'. That was when one of my testicles fell off."
- a KTLB special report on the unspoken problems of getting old
Fireaxe Newsletter - edition 10.3.1
Apr. 1, 2007
"On March 2nd I woke up in the body of a 40 year-old.
Apr. 1, 2007
"On March 2nd I woke up in the body of a 40 year-old.
A big "Hello" to anyone receiving the Lukewarm Butterknife
for the first time. A big "Hey, babe. Nice dress. I just saw someone
outside wearing the same one." to any young, hot female receiving the
Lukewarm Butterknife for the first time. Now I will ignore you until
you can't stand it anymore and then you will play straight into my
hands, and then into my bed. Yes, this is the official parody of the
Yep, Fireaxe's founder and host of the barely popular KTLB
radio show turned forty last month and like so many other aging men
who'd hit such a milestone Brian Voth went on a quest for the fountain
of youth. The first stop was at the local Porsche dealer where the first
sip from the fountain transformed his rusty old Jetta into turbo-charged
chick magnet. The next stop was the local mall where thousands were
spent on fancy clothes designed by rich, left-wing fashionistas and sewn
together by the downtrodden victims of neo-liberal economic policies.
And finally, after reading a few books on how to be a "playa", Voth
discovered the art of seduction and proceeded to take advantage of a
seemingly endless precession of self-esteem challenged young tarts who
will do just about anything for you if you treat them like dirt. Indeed,
there's no better time to have a mid-life crisis than in the post-feminist
era. So many sluts, so little time.
A big "Hello" to anyone receiving the Lukewarm Butterknife for the first time. A big "Hey, babe. Nice dress. I just saw someone outside wearing the same one." to any young, hot female receiving the Lukewarm Butterknife for the first time. Now I will ignore you until you can't stand it anymore and then you will play straight into my hands, and then into my bed. Yes, this is the official parody of the Fireaxe newsletter.
Musical Interlude: "I wish that someone would come along and set things right." (Church organ plays loudly in the background, fades into…)
Brian: Welcome to KTLB. I'm your host Brian Voth and this week, like every other week and every other radio talk show host, I AM OUTRAGED!
Paid Sycophant: (waits patiently for the end of Brian's "Paul Harvey Pause")
Brian: Yes, outraged! Outraged that Ben Bernanke is so bad at rigging the stock market. Why back in the day when Grand Master Greenspan was at the helm, you never had to worry about getting your life savings wiped out by a major market hiccup.
Paid Sycophant: Why's that Brian?
Brian: Ahem. I was just about to get to that…on my own.
Paid Sycophant: But I was just trying to do my job.
Brian: And not well enough, at least not well enough for what we're paying you. And you know what that means…
Paid Sycophant: No! Please!
Sound Effects: "You're outsourced!" - spoken by a chorus of CEOs and followed by them spouting off a cacophony of excuses for why it had to happen with none of them admitting that it was all just to beef up their bottom line.
Brian: And if you're new to the show, yes, we really did outsource his job…to India. Thanks to the high-speed internet, I can do this radio show with a partner who isn't even in the same studio, or even in the same country. Folks, meet Ravi, KTLB's new paid sycophant and graduate from the Indian Institute of Radio Technology, I.I.R.T. Which is not the same as I.I.R.C., if I recall correctly. Say hello, Ravi.
Underpaid Sycophant: Oh, hello to everyone and may I just say that it is a great pleasure to be an underpaid sycophant on such an awesome radio show such as this.
Brian: You're welcome Ravi. And hey, it sure is refreshing to meet a young person with such good manners these days…
Underpaid Sycophant: Thank you, and I would like to add that Fireaxe is a most excellent band and that they should rule the world.
Brian: Yes, thanks, but…
Underpaid Sycophant: And I would also like to add that your audience is also the most intelligent and well educated audience that any host could ever ask for, and that…
Sound Effects: "You're outsourced!" - spoken by a chorus of CEOs followed by Lou Dobbs giving them, their bought and paid for politicians, and their corporate shill talking-heads a good scolding on national television.
Brian: Sorry about that folks, Ravi was way too polite for this show. In fact, he was polite to the point of telecommuting his nose up into my USB #2 port. Anyway, while we dig up another replacement, let's go to our first caller. Hello, you are on the air with Fireaxe.
Caller number 1: Hello, Brian? What's up with KSM? You know, that Al Qaeda dude that confessed to nine-eleven.
Brian: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed? Oh, yeah, it's amazing what a little water-boarding will do for your culpability. I mean, seriously. He confessed to everything. Proof that torture works. You know, I'll bet that if you gave me a few minutes with him in a sound proof room that I could get to the bottom of why Fireaxe can't get any radio play. That's got to be his fault too.
Caller number 1: (laughs) Yeah, I'd bet you'd beat the crap out of him.
Brian: Nah, I'd just have Disturbed play a cover of every Genesis song ever written at full volume. That'd break him for sure.
Caller number 1: (chuckles) Yeah, that or the new Metallica.
Brian: Yep. Easy five-word review: Cliff Burton is still dead.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Ah, that very funny joke.
Brian: It looks like we finally have a replacement for Ravi and he sounds like he's from China. Correct?
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Greetings from Peeper's Repubric of China. My name is Kang. So sorry. Would have been here sooner but got rost in smog in downtown Shanghai.
Brian: No problem. We've all got to do our part to increase global warming so that we can fend off the next ice age. Remember, CO2 is your friend. Next caller. Hello, you are on the air with Fireaxe.
Caller number 2: Hi Brian. What were you saying before about Bernanke not being able to rig the stock market as good as Greenspan?
Brian: Oh, thanks. Yeah, Bernanke, another baby-boomer mush head screwing up a perfectly good system of transferring wealth from the middle class to the rich. I mean seriously. Enough with the boomers already! No more Baby Boomer Presidents, or CEOs, or Fed Chiefs, or any position of power. They're incompetent! They can't win wars, they can't rig the stock market, and they sure as heck can't stand a little Gen X competition on the internet.
Caller number 2: Oh yeah, what's up with that new lawsuit?
Brian: Viacom is suing Google over YouTube for one billion dollars in damages. What a joke. You know, this is exactly the same as the deal with Napster and if Viacom can bribe or brainwash a judge into believing that every click of an illegally uploaded file actually drains money away from their monolithic Kleptoration, then they just might win. But as we saw with Napster, music sales actually increased when Napster was at its peak and tapered off after it was shut down, proving the old adage that exposure translates directly into sales. You give something away and get more in return. It's free advertising. And I suspect that the same is true with YouTube. No, wait a second, I'm a radio talk show host now and so I will have to insist that the same is true with YouTube, even though I don’t know for sure.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: In China, government would step in and shut YouTube down. They break raw, they go to jair.
Brian: Well, here in America things are a bit different. Instead of being governed by a single party dictatorship, we're governed by a two-party dictatorship whose members are beholden to a host of CEOs and chairmen of the board. See, the corporate owners are all about gaining money, power, and market share, so whenever someone new steps up and threatens their business model it's… (breaks into song) Onward Harvard lawyers, marching off to sue! But the thing is that Viacom would never have filed their lawsuit before Google bought YouTube. You see, YouTube hadn't earned a single dollar in profit over its entire existence. They were broke. But Google then bought them and Google is loaded with cash, so now you know the rest of the story.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Ah, America rued by money.
Brian: Well said, or, well, "ruled by money", yeah. Actually, I think that works well the other way too "rued by money". Heck, "rude by money" works just as well. But yeah, whenever you want to get to the bottom of something, just follow the money. Anyway, next caller. Hello, you are on the air with Fireaxe.
Caller number 3: So what's up with the stock market? I've got some investments too, but I gotta know if the whole game is rigged.
Brian: It was, but not anymore. You see, the whole system is out of control. It used to be that central banks controlled the printing of money and the creation of credit, but ever since the deregulation of financial institutions during the Clinton era, Wall Street has discovered that it has the power to create credit and control interest rates all on its own. Now, Wall Street isn't a single group of people that gets together to make decisions, like rigging the market, it's more like, a lot of small groups of greedy people with very little respect for the law and all their thoughts focused on how to get rich or die trying.
Caller number 3: Ah, like fifty-cent?
Brian: Exactly. Wall Street is easier to understand if you don't think about them as banks, investment firms, and hedge funds and instead think about them as street gangs. I mean, they pretty much behave the same way. They're both in business to sell a product and they don't care much about how it gets done. So, for example…here's the latest rap, homies. You got Viacom CEO Philippe "Li'l Red" Dauman, and he's all like hard up and looking for some action and he spots this sweet little number named Facebook and offers her $750 million to be his altogether, knamean? But she says no, I want $2 billion, and Viacom's all like "funk dat beotch". So now Li'l Red's all pissed 'cause he ain't gettin' any, and so he goes out looking for trouble and he sees his arch rival Google picking up the fliest hottie on the strip, YouTube. You know what I'm talking 'bout. Everyone wants a piece of that, but she's got issues and I mean big time, and so a brotha's gotta stay away, but Google's all like, hey babe, I'm worth $150 billion, and shazam, like she's his and all that. So Li'l Red gets all jealous cause Google's hooked up and he ain't got nothin' and so he gets with his boys and they do a drive-by Wall Street style. You know how it is.
Caller number 3: Um, Li'l Red?
Brian: Yeah, the chairman of the board at Viacom is Sumner Redstone, and as far as I can tell, Philippe Dauman is pretty much Sumner's brown-nosing little errand boy. Hence the nickname, Li'l Red.
Caller number 3: (laughing) You know, it does make a lot more sense that way.
Brian: Wall Street, South Central, what's the difference? Next caller. Hello, you are on the air with Fireaxe.
Caller number 4: Hey Brian, I've got money in the stock market too and I want to know if the market is being manipulated by the Fed.
Brian: You know, I've been trying to change the subject for the last fifteen minutes, but you guys just can't leave it alone can you? Okay, here's the story. The market is going up and up and up and it looks like it's never going to stop. So I keep saying that it's going to crash, over an over, and I sound like a broken record, which, for you younger kids, is like a skipping CD, or, for you kids who've never even bought a CD, I was basically sounding like obsessive-compulsive paranoid pre-schooler at Disneyland with ADHD waiting in line for Big Thunder Mountain Railroad. (changes into child's voice) "No! No! It's going to crash. It's going to crash!"
Caller number 4: So is it going to crash?
Brian: Of course it's going to crash. But look who's in charge of maintenance. It's Helicopter Ben! Mister "But the U.S. government has a technology, called a printing press, that allows it to produce as many U.S. dollars as it wishes at essentially no cost". No cost? Ha! It's at no cost to anyone who isn't getting the same return on his money as the amount that Ben is pumping up the M3 every year. Folks, that was going up at 7.6 percent per annum before Ben started hiding the M3 statistics from us. Yeah, it might be even more now. So if you aren't getting 7.6% added on to your net worth every year, you're getting mugged Fed style.
Caller number 4: Well, my house has been going up faster than that.
Brian: You meant to say, "had" been.
Caller number 4: Okay, "had" been, but I'm still up a lot.
Brian: And can you spend that money without going into debt? Oh, you can sell your house, but then where do you live? Yep, you've got to buy another house that's just as overpriced as your last one. No, that sky-high assessment of your house is really not much different than the bank giving you a higher spending limit on your credit card. It doesn't make you any richer, you just think that you are.
Caller number 4: Right. So is the market going to crash?
Brian: I'm getting to that. So here's Helicopter Ben Bernanke with his promise of printing as much money as he needs to in order to stop deflation and I start believing him and figure that I'd better get into the game while my life savings is still worth enough to buy a Venti Latte at Starbucks. So I flip a few condos in Miami, then I leverage that into oil and gas derivatives, and then go long in the NYSE, hedging everything against global markets so that I'm ready for anything.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Except if all market go down at once.
Brian: Wow Kang, you are sharp.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: It Asian thing, you wouldn't understand.
Brian: Okay…so I'm feeling good about my future. I quit my job and work on day trading and music full time. Everything's going fine and I'm up a few hundred grand, and then bang! Total freaking disaster! Before I can get one trade done I've lost my shirt. I'm broke! I've got nothing left! Nothing!**
Caller number 4: Ha ha! You didn't listen to yourself.
Brian: So I am outraged! Outraged I say!
Well Underpaid Sycophant: So now what you going to do?
Brian: Well, I can't get a job, there aren't any left here in the U.S., and I can't afford to move somewhere else, so I'm afraid that I have to do the one thing that I abhor the most.
Caller number 4: Work at McDonalds?
Brian: That wouldn't even begin to pay for my health care.
Caller number 4: Sell real estate?
Brian: The bubble is bursting.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Become prostitute.
Brian: Yep. Kang, you are sharp. Well I haven't become a prostitute in the physical sense. There's no way that I could make any money that way. No, I'm selling out in the realm of ideas. I'm crossing over to the dark side. I'm going to use all of my accumulated knowledge of ideologies, falsehoods, and the permanent psychological deficit to scratch out a living peddling bullshit to the rich and gullible. Yes, I am going to…sell the dream.
Caller number 4: (horrified) No way!!!!
Brian: Yes, it's true. From now on, every word out of my mouth will be disinformation with the intent of altering the perception of the world in such a way that I benefit from it.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: That what everyone do.
Brian: I mean, intentionally.
Caller number 4: So, you're joining the priesthood?
Brian: No. I'm not down with all that gay sex and pedophilia. I've decided to sell a dream to all the downtrodden of the world. A dream for all those who've suffered the endless swirlies, the humiliating wedgies, and the heart-breaking shame of never being able to get a date to go to the prom. Yes, from this moment onward, I will do whatever it takes to bring about a new world where intellectual prowess is the true measure of a man, a world where technological expertise is what brings fortune and fame, a world where the smell of microwave burritos and the sound of a spinning hard drive are the most powerful aphrodisiacs on the face of the earth.
Caller number 4: Woah, I'm sold already.
Brian: Yes. I will do whatever it takes to bring about…Nerdvana!
Caller number 4: On second thought…
Brian: Or at least, I'll do whatever it takes to make a living selling the dream of Nerdvana to anyone who'll give me money.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Nerdvana rued by money?
Brian: You're damn right it will be. Let's take a look at the ten richest men in the world and how they got that way. Number one, Bill Gates. Bing! Not just the richest nerd, but the richest man, period. Now, a lot of you folks out there have a few things against Bill Gates and yeah, I'm not going to sit here and be an apologist for monopolistic practices and the unethical if not illegal crushing of his rivals, but out of all the men on the list, Bill Gates is the only one who actually earned his money. I mean, he produced something, and not just anything, what he did was write a reasonably good pack of software and then force an OS standard down everybody's throats so that we can all actually share our files with everyone else. Like it or hate it, it had to be done. Oh man, don't get me started about the way things were back in the 80s when one guy had an Apple and another guy had a TRS-80 and another guy had a Victor 9000 and trying to share anything was a techno-nightmare. So Bill Gates stepped up and said, "Hey, I'm the Alpha nerd and all you other nerds are going to do things my way." And I have to say that anyone who can get almost all of the nerds in the world to be on the same page has really accomplished something. Bill Gates earned his money. And hey, say what you will about Windows, but at least Bill Gates knows enough about the software business to steal the best ideas from his competitors and put them into his product.
Called number 4: So what about the other nine richest guys?
Brian: Glad that you asked. Losers all. Take, number two, Warren Buffet. What did he do to earn his money? He traded stocks. Did he produce anything? No. This is how he earned his money. He bought stocks when they were cheap, and then he masturbated for a while, and then when the prices went up, he sold them. Big freaking deal! So, he guessed right a lot, or maybe he took advantage of insider information. Who knows? But what did he really produce that helps all of us? Nothing. His one "marketable" skill is knowing the markets a little better than everyone else. Talk about useless. Then there's number three, Carlos Helu, a telecom magnate from Mexico. Here's how he got rich. He bought a telephone company from the Mexican government for pennies in a privatization deal with the help of a few of his cronies and then after some deregulation and private investment in his firm he pocketed billions of dollars. So what did he produce? Nothing. Nada. Zilch. His grand contribution was that he was allowed to buy a virtual monopoly on the cheap and then raise the use rates for its services. Talk about Robin Hood in reverse. Pfah! He's useless.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Same ting happen in Russia. Chinese government no ret that happen.
Brian: Well, we'll see, but yeah, when we brought "capitalism" to Russia after the fall of the Berlin Wall a handful of guys, that are usually called the "Oligarchs" or "Kleptocrats", had friends in the old Soviet government who let them buy up all the Russian oil companies and utilities really cheap. So overnight they become billionaires, just like that "hard working" Senor Helu. Then when the people in the other parts of the Russian government find out that they've been cheated and try to shut them down, the Kleptocrats buy up the media and try to get their own politicians elected into office. I mean, we're basically talking about a hostile takeover of the government. So Putin shuts that down, but he has to become a dictator to do it, so naturally everyone in the West gets on his case about squashing the freedom of the press and undercutting the free market.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Of course, because West is aready run by Kreptocrats and corporate sheers.
Brian: Hey, I like this new sycophant. Of course, I'm not defending Putin or anything. The average Russian has to decide between the Kleptocrats and the KGB. Some choice. And you thought that having to choose between the Democrats and Republicans was bad. Okay, on with the list. Number four, Ingvar Kamprad, the founder and owner of Ikea. I can't dump on him too much because he actually built his company from the ground up, but hey, it's only furniture. What's so much better about Ikea furniture than the stuff that you can get down at the local store? That it's more stylish? That you can now find the perfect couch that matches your wallpaper? Pfah! Useless chick stuff. Hey, Ingvar, figuring out a new way to suck all the money out of a man's pockets via his wife doesn't make the world a better place. You've contributed nothing to the world. You're useless. Number five, Lakshmi Mittal. The World's richest Indian. What did he do? Get this, he inherited his company from his father and then he bought up other companies and merged them with his own. Now he's worth billions. Wow! He is sooooo talented. Who else could accomplish the feat of buy other companies using leverage? Well, just about anyone really. All that you need to do is hire a few lawyers and bean counters and let them work out all the details. Pfah! He's useless. Then there's number six, Sheldon Adelson. What put him on his pathway to fame? Trade shows. Of course, he didn't introduce any new products, he's far too useless to do something creative. No, Sheldon used to rent out venues for fifteen cents a square foot and then lease that space out to trade show vendors for up to forty dollars a square foot. Woah, that takes a lot of hard work, you know, marking up a price tag. Wow. Then Sheldon got into casinos and the rest is history. Yes, his wealth has all the legitimacy of that of the Three Card Monte hustler down at the corner. Careful Sheldon, don't work yourself too hard.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: You right, those men useress.
Brian: I could go on, but the list is too depressing. Basically these billionaires either inherited their fortune, or kept buying companies to increase their net worth, or they "made" money by trading things and either marking up the price, getting a sweet deal from a crony, or getting lucky and having the price of what they own go way up. There was no talent involved. Honestly, what have these men done that couldn't have been done far better and cheaper with something like eBay or Craig's List? Just replace them with a couple of PCs and bang, instant redistribution of income by merit. I'll tell you, when it comes to figuring out what these men have done that actually helps anyone but themselves I draw a complete blank. Where are the people who invented life-saving drugs and surgical techniques? Where are the people who created the internet or who revolutionized how anything is done? Nowhere on the list, that's where. That's why we need a revolution.
Caller number 4: Preach, brother! Preach!
Brian: It's time for the nerds of the world to rise up and take their rightful place, the top. Even Jesus agrees. "The meek shall inherit the Earth", he said, and who are the meekest earthlings? That's right, the nerds. Just think about it. We are the creators of everything. Every piece of technology that you own was crafted by nerdy hands. Everything. Without the inventions of nerds where would the billionaires be? They'd still be living in stone castles without running water and riding horses to get anywhere. No, wait, it was nerds who invented the science that allowed people to built anything higher than one story. So everyone on that list would be living in a little stone hovel with an outhouse out back if it hadn't been for nerds. So they sit up there in their huge skyscrapers and they look down at their companies and say, "Look at what I have built." Bullshit. Get serious Mr. "couldn't do algebra if your life depended on it". Nerds made it all possible. And the next time you're using toilet paper instead of a corn cob to wipe your lily white ass, thank a nerd.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Nerds rock!
Brian: Damn right we do. But who gets all the press? Jocks. Oh, they are so impressive. Some tobacco spitting, barely literate, over- paid steroid stallion manages to hit a baseball that's only two feet away from him and traveling a mere ninety miles an hour and everybody cheers. Oh, bravo! What a feat of skill and strength. Can a nerd do that? No, not with his body at least, but give one of us nerds a little time and money and we can build a machine that will get a hit on every pitch. It's really no big deal. Nerds can always invent something that does what jocks do only a lot better, but is the reverse true? Hah! Jocks will never be able to do what nerds can. Listen to this, nerds were able to remote pilot a spacecraft to comet Tempel 1, which was, oh, only a few HUNDRED MILLION miles away, and traveling at 23,000 miles per hour, and they were able to hit that comet with an 820 pound hunk of copper and knock a big enough piece out of it so that they could see what was inside. Yeah, that's like, back, back, back, way back, and…it's completely outta this world. Let's see a jock do that. Hell, most jocks couldn't even lift an 820 pound hunk of copper let alone hit anything with it if they could, and we'll even let them take all the steroid they want to beforehand, even though steroids were invented by nerds.
Caller number 4: Yeah, nerds invented everything.
Brian: It's true. You know all those "manly" men who do all those "manly" things and pretend that they're all tough and macho? So what is it that makes them so manly? Let's take your average Harley-Davidson Motorcycle rider. He thinks that he's so tough because his bike is so fast and loud. Well, who made that bike? And who made it so fast and loud? Nerds. Without nerds designing more powerful engines and optimizing every part of the power train, those "manly" men are just sweaty guys in leather jackets making farting noises with their armpits to get attention. And I just have to ask here, how much of a non-conformist "rebel" are you if you buy something as common as a Harley, put on a black leather jacket, a pair of worn out old blue jeans, and ride without a helmet on… JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE! You guys ain't rebels, you're clichés.
Caller number 4: (gasps) Don't say that, they'll beat you up.
Brian: Bring them on. And bring the jocks on too. The jocks ain't got nothing that wasn't invented by a nerd. Hey, Tiger, do you like your fancy hi-tech metal golf clubs? They hit the ball really far don't they? Thank a nerd. And how about all those light-weight, advanced polymer pads and helmets that those big, tough football players wear to protect themselves? Nerds made them. And how about all of the equipment that jocks need to train and to rehab their broken bodies? And how about all the science that went into nutrition and training too? Without nerds that stuff wouldn't exist. Ask yourselves, how tough are all those jocks without us nerds? How big would their muscles be without us nerds? So bring on the "manly" men, and bring on the jocks. Heck, bring on everyone. Like your big noisy Hummer? Thank a nerd. Think your .357 magnum kicks butt? Thank a nerd. I mean, without all the equipment and knowledge that nerds gave to the world, how tough would these tough guys really be? If they want to fight, then lets fight, but here are the new rules: you can only fight with the stuff that your "caste" invented, okay? Right. So here I am up against some big 250 pound wrestler and he's got massive arms and a six pack that looks like you could grate cheese on it and what do I have? Well, I've got skinny arms, and skinny legs, and, oh, wait, I have a Taser. Zap. Fight over. (laughs)
Caller number 4: Go dude, go!
Brian: And I don't mean to diminish our armed forces because when the technology is even, training makes all the difference, but hey guys, where would you all be without all that high tech gear? I mean, without all the night vision, lasers, satellites, computers, missiles, supersonic aircraft, nuclear submarines, and I could go on and on, where would you guys be? If it wasn't for us nerds back here stateside cranking out the latest and the greatest weapon systems, your seek and destroy missions would look more like hunt and peck. You guys know military history, so you know how the history of warfare hinges on the development of new weapons. Things like the chariot, the Roman kite shield, the Welsh longbow, the crossbow, the rifle, and of course, the inter-continental ballistic missile, all shifted the balance of power and changed forever the way that wars were fought. And who invents things? That's right, nerds. So, do you want to win a war? You'd better getcha some nerds.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Nerds build great war of China.
Brian: Which you can see from space, but you have to thank a nerd for putting a camera up there.
Caller number 4: Sweet! So what's Nerdvana, and how do we create it?
Brian: I am so glad that you asked. You see, the world is messed up because nerds aren't in charge. Not that nerds really want to be in charge, after all we're content just to sit back and invent all of the cool stuff in the world. But you see, nerds would make the best leaders because when they're faced with a problem, they figure out a way to solve it, even if it takes pulling a few all-nighters and wolfing down a couple 2-liters of Jolt. Nerds solve problems and we're really good at it. When JFK wanted to put a man on the moon in less than ten years, who got that done? Nerds. Want global warming taken care of? Get some nerds on the phone. Solving problems is our forte. Of course, it's also one reason why chicks don't like us. Oh, they come to us and moan about all their problems and we tell them how to fix them. Yep, just make a few changes, babe. But what they really want is for us to put our arm around their shoulder and make them feel better about their crappy lives. What's up with that? But anyway, I'll get back to chicks later. Where was I? Oh yeah. Nerds solve problems. It's what we were born to do. Politicians, on the other hand, are lying, egotistical, windbags who don't do anything unless it advances their career in politics. That's what they were born to do, and if there was ever a case for a post natal abortion it's when you see your baby in the nursery and he's grabbing at every teat that comes anywhere near him, looking to suck that thing dry. "Umm, Ma'am, it looks like your son's going to be a future Senator, the nurses have really been complaining." (then in a woman's voice) "Oh god, no!" (sobbing sounds) "Don't worry, ma'am. We can take care of him. Take a look at this brochure, we can make him a scrap metal collector in Southern Lebanon, a human shield in Afghanistan, or even an altar boy down at the local parish. That is, if you can't stand to have him euthanized."
Caller number 4: Okay, so we abort all of the politicians, then what?
Brian: Well, not at first. Eugenics comes later. First we need to get nerds into power, but we nerds have about as much chance of getting elected as a black, Jewish, lesbian in Alabama. And since we can't all become rich like Bill Gates and just outright buy the whole world, we're going to need to undermine the whole political system. That's right, I'm talking about subversion. Or well, let's call it subnersion. Be a subnersive. We need to start an underground movement to bring down the global political system and replace it with one run by nerds. Here's how it'll work. Okay, we nerds are the ones who invent everything, right? Except that instead of keeping our inventions to ourselves, we give them up to our bosses, who sell them for millions and take most of that money for themselves while only giving us a modest salary for our troubles. Now, most nerds don't care about money as long as they have enough to afford the latest gear, and there's only so much that you can spend on a computer, a game-box, and a kick-ass surround sound system. So we're fine with this arrangement. But you other nerds out there have to realize that if we let the jocks and the politicians…You know, we need a special name for the inferior life forms that populate our planet. Something like Neanderthal, or Caveman, because we're really talking about unevolved Homo Sapiens when we're talking about jocks, politicians and "manly" men. But Neanderthal doesn't quite cut it. It needs to be something simple. Something that rolls off the tongue.
Caller Number 4: How about knuckle-draggers?
Brian: I don't know about that.
Caller Number 4: Unibrows?
Brian: Funny, but it doesn't capture their meat-headed essence.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: How about Freds? Rike Fred Frintstone?
Brian: Freds! Did I mention that I like this sycophant? I'm going to double your salary, Kang. Say herro to 24 cents an hour.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Thousand thanks. And Wirmas too.
Brian: We're must do?
Well Underpaid Sycophant: No, Fred's wife is carred Wirma.
Brian: Ah! Yeah! Wilmas! That's what we can call all the apologist chicks who stand by and defend their caveman husbands no matter how much they fool around on them or beat them or raid their kids' college fund to buy fancier golf clubs.
Caller Number 4: Yeah, Wilmas are annoying. I'm always telling them, "Why don't you leave him you dumb bitch?" and they're like, "He said that he loves me. He said that he'd change."
Brian: Nah, Wilmas aren't dumb, they're just unevolved. You see, the way it was back in the stone age, with women being the weaker sex, is that they needed a big strong brute to protect them and keep them safe. But those kind of men are stupid, and I mean, really stupid, and so they needed a woman to tell them what to do. Those were the sex roles and evolution got to work making most men dumb and strong and most women weak and bossy. Back then, men were the muscle, and women were the brains, but now it's all different. You see, the superior men today aren’t the ones with the big muscles, we're the ones with big brains, but most women haven't evolved to appreciate our big brains. They're still genetically wired to go after the big dumb guys even though those guys are the biggest losers in this day and age. Yeah, you heard me right, loooooosers. You know, guys whose best marketable skills can easily be exceeded by robots or monkeys. But, Wilmas listen to their hearts, not their heads, and they end up falling for the Freds, who use them like toilet paper and then throw them away. Which serves the Wilmas right. And I'll tell you what else. It's the Wilmas that cause all of the violence in the world. You see, they're out there chasing after the biggest and dumbest Freds that they can find, you know, those "manly" alpha males, and so men have to look tough, act like assholes, and get into fights if they want to get their share of tail. Men do all that crap because it turns women on. Men don't get into fights to prove themselves to each other, they get into fights to impress women. It's that simple. And the world is a violent place because women love violent men. Now, women may say that they don't like that kind of man, but do they throw themselves at nerds? No. And while they may marry a nerd for his money, they'll be off banging every "bad boy" and dumb jock they meet behind his back. Of course, in Nerdvana it will all be different. We're going to use eugenics to breed a stock of women who appreciate the intellectual side of a man instead of his physique. We'll breed women who swoon at the sight of a man who can crush legions of Orcs on his hi-def plasma screen and who frown at the pool boy when he takes off his shirt. Of course, in due time, evolution would have taken its course and made it so that women appreciate the truly fittest men in the modern age anyway, so all that we'd really be doing is speeding up the natural process.
Caller Number 4: I am so sold on this.
Brian: Ch-ch-ching! I am going to make so much money out of this.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: So what is subnersion?
Brian: Okay, subnerdsion works like this. Nerds will keep inventing stuff, because we need the money, but we'll keep all of the best stuff that we invent for ourselves and give our bosses the mediocre stuff just to keep them happy. Then we'll share all of the best stuff that we invent with our fellow nerds and our fellow nerds only. We'll have an underground nerd network or something to get this all done. Now, we keep doing that and after a few decades or so, we'll be in control of the most powerful technology on the planet, and with all that power, we'll easily be able to take over the world. Viola, Nerdvana becomes a reality, and the Freds of the world will be powerless to stop us. They'd try though, because they're too stupid to realize that we made all the stuff that they'd try to use to take us down and of course, we'd have it all rigged. "Oh, you're going to run me over in your SUV? Oh no! Not that! Stop! Stop! Oh, hey, look, your brakes locked up unexpectedly and your air bag didn't go off. Too bad. How did that happen? Maybe it had something to do with this remote control?"
Caller number 4: Wicked! But what about guns?
Brian: No problem. "No! Don't shoot! Okay, I give up. Not! Go ahead and pull the trigger, but before you do, did you know that you can make microchips really, really small these days. Betcha didn't know that. So maybe that gun will shoot straight or maybe it will blow up in your face. Didja take a close look at the firing pin? Well, didja, Fred?"
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Evir! Evir!
Brian: A world ruled by nerds would be a Utopia. There would be no more war, at least not in the physical sense. The ruling nerds would do battle with each other in the virtual arena and that would be how rival nations conquer and thrive. No more bloodshed. And we'd sterilize the Freds of the world and let them all die out. Hell, they'd volunteer for the operation when we tell them that it allows them to have sex without needing to wear a condom, and some of them are doing it to themselves already. Those morons. Anyway, it's all so simple. Breed up the problem solvers and weed out the problem causers. The dream is real. THIS…WILL…WORK.
Well Underpaid Sycophant: So, what if Freds find out about pran and send way hot spy-babes to infirtrate our ranks?
Well Underpaid Sycophant: Rike young Asian chicks that rook rike Hentai nymphomaniacs. We be powerress against them.
Brian: Sigh. Okay, I didn't want to have to do this, but…
Sound Effects: "You're outsourced!" - spoken by a chorus of CEOs followed by a desperate union leader whining about how both political parties have abandoned his cause.
Brian: Well then, the nerds will just have to exercise a little self control.
Barely Paid Sycophant: Si, senor.
Brian: And not freeze up when a beautiful spy pumps him for, ahem, information.
Barely Paid Sycophant: Si, senor.
Brian: Hmm, where are you from Juan?
Barely Paid Sycophant: Si, senor.
Brian: Do you speak any English?
Barely Paid Sycophant: No habla, senor.
Brian: Alright, I'm out of here.
I didn't really lose any money in the stock market. That's just a gimmick for the storyline above. In the interests of full disclosure I don't have any money in the stock market. My bedrock is Heavy Metal and I have no fear of "Helicopter" Ben sucking the yoke out of my nest egg. Of course, when the Great-ER Depression blows holes straight through the global economy, I'm going to have a lot of other things to worry about, such as hanging on to the lap bar as the ride we're all on goes flying off of the tracks. Today's bad news isn't the end, it's just the beginning. So, take care and good luck!Brian Voth - Creator of Fireaxe
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