Dumb guy: Yeah. Quiet, you doofuses.
(A longer, even more awkward silence occurs)
Brian: Look, dumb guy, laid back guy was right about the whole Paul
Harvey pause thing, and you blew it. Twice. And you know what that
means…
Dumb guy: I'm fired?
Laid back guy: Nah, we did that bit before.
Overly PC liberal guy: Outsourced? Like the millions of good paying
factory jobs that got shipped overseas and were replaced by low paying,
part time retail sector jobs with little or no benefits and health care?
Repentant neo-con conservative guy: Look, if people want to get paid
more they need to get a better education and find a better job. Or they
can get more than one job like so many hard working Americans do.
Smart but hot chick: No, those better jobs are being filled by companies
who hire foreign workers on H1 visas for a fraction of what American
workers are paid. And many of the low paying and part time jobs are
being filled by immigrants who will work off the books for criminally
low wages. That's the dirty little secret of modern capitalism. What
we have is slave labor only without the physical chains. Everyone gets
hurt, except for the rich.
Lecherous guy: Oh, all this talk of dirty secrets, chains, and jobs
gettin' filled is turning me on.
Brian: No one's getting fired or outsourced. Those are the gags from
our older shows and they've all gone stale. We like to keep it fresh and
topical, which means that for screwing up so badly, Dumb guy, we're
inclined to give you a huge bailout, just like our government gives to
Wall Street, and a bonus too. But no, that joke's been used about a
million times over the last few weeks, and here at KTLB we have to
be creative as well as topical, so instead we are going to hit you with…
Dumb guy: Uh oh.
Laid back guy: This isn't good.
Overly PC liberal guy: Violence is not the answer.
Repentant neo-con conservative guy: Violence can be the answer, but
you have to do it right, like we did in World War Two. Sure we made
a lot of mistakes in Iraq, but the surge worked. You can use violence
to reduce violence.
Smart but hot chick: The surge coincided with the Iraqi Sunnis losing
the civil war against the Shias, that's why the violence went down. The
Sunnis didn't want to keep fighting both the Shias and the Americans,
that was more than they could handle. And Al Qaeda was using suicide
bombers against Shia civilians, which made the Shias retaliate against
Sunni civilians. So when the Sunnis saw that Al Qaeda was counter-
productive to their insurgency, a lot of the Sunni leaders, like the "Sons
of Iraq", sold Al Qaeda out to the Americans as part of a deal. The
Sunnis also called off attacks against American soldiers and in return
the Americans let the former leaders of the insurgency run the Sunni
provinces. The Americans are even paying them to "provide security"
in those areas so that they don't have to do it themselves. But when the
Americans leave, the Sunnis will probably start the civil war up again.
And Iran was also instrumental in reducing the violence in Iraq since
they saw a friendly Shia-led government in charge and they wanted to
keep things that way. Iran was able to talk Al-Sadr into laying down
his arms so that Maliki would have a stronger hand to play against the
Americans during negotiations. And play it he did. So if the surge
worked so well, why did Bush have to make concession after concession
to Maliki's government?
Lecherous guy: Babe, if you want to see a surge that works, I got
your surge right here, yeeeeeaaaaaah.
Brian: (sighs) I don't even remember what I was talking about.
Dumb guy: You were going to hit me with something.
Laid back guy: Ah, man, you didn't have to remind him.
Brian: Right, our new trendy punishment for bad behavior is that
we're going to hit you with: THE MEDIA SPOTLIGHT!
(Sound effect of one of those big movie set spotlights turning on)
Brian: Yes, the media spotlight. The most vicious destroyer of lives
in the modern world. The entity that killed Princess Diana, drove
Britney Spears and Michael Jackson insane, branded one rather
nutty woman the "Octomom", (what is she, a cephalopod?) and
savaged the reputations and careers of countless others. Yes, Leno,
Letterman, and Colbert will be making jokes about you every night.
All the embarrassing details of your life will be revealed and broadcast
twenty-four seven on every cable news channel. You'll be hounded
by paparazzi, accosted by pundits, used as a political football by
attention seekers across the nation, and if you're not careful you'll end
up with your own television show that makes you think that you're
a star but which really makes you into a national laughingstock.
Just ask Paris Hilton, Ozzy Ozbourne, or Joe the Plumber.
Overly PC liberal guy: Or Bill O'Reilly.
Repentant neo-con conservative guy: Or Keith Olbermann.
Smart but hot chick: That reminds me of something that Pablo Picasso
was quoted as saying, but the quote can't be confirmed. Anyway, it
goes like this, "From the moment that art ceases to be the nourishment
of the best brains, the artist can use all the tricks of the intellectual
charlatan. The refined people, the rich ones and the professional
layabouts, only want what is sensational or scandalous in modern art.
And since the days of cubism I have fed these boys what they wanted
and pacified the critics with all the idiotic ideas that went through my
head. Whilst I amused myself with all these pranks, I became famous
and very rich. I am just a public clown, a fairground barker."
Lecherous guy: You want cubism? I've got a nice pair of cubes in
my pants that I'll let you paint…with your tongue.
Dumb guy: Uh, Brian, I'm just pretending to be dumb, you know, like
Larry the Cable Guy.
Brian: Oh, well, heck, you'll be fine then. Hmm, no need for this…
(Turns off the media spotlight)
Brian: Now, where was I? Oh, right, I was OUTRAGED! And then
I added a Paul Harvey pause to build suspense.
(Not-so-awkward silence where no one interrupts)
Brian: But since Paul Harvey has passed away we should discontinue
that bit too. And also, I think that we should honor a moment of silence
for the late commentator.
(Moment of silence occurs, not to be confused with a Paul Harvey pause,
although it is a pause for Paul Harvey)
Brian: Yes, outraged! Everyone is! Outraged at the Treasury department
and the Federal Reserve and Wall Street and anyone with the letters A, I,
and G in their name. Craigs of the world beware. First the powers that
be said that the economic problems were contained. Then they said that
they needed tens of billions of dollars to make them go away. Then the
economy tanked and they said that they needed hundreds of billions of
dollars to fix everything, but that this time the money was going to fix
the problem for sure. And when things got even worse they said that
they needed hundreds of billions more dollars to bail people out and
trillions of dollars in guarantees for everything under the sun in order to
prevent the entire financial system from coming crashing down and
destroying life as we know it. And every time we said: NO! NO! NO!
And every time our corrupt and economically illiterate politicians went
ahead and gave them the money anyway. And then We The People got
mad and elected a new guy to change all that and he goes ahead and
keeps on doing the same thing that the last guy was doing which wasn't
working. Seriously, what is the deal? I am so out-of-my-head nuclear
pissed-off right now that I can barely see straight.
Laid back guy: Dude, it's a scam. Face it.
(Then, for the next ten minutes, ten painful minutes, the overly PC
liberal guy and the repentant neo-con conservative guy get into an
argument about economics and politics of the type that we've heard
so many times before over the last few months, or years, or decades
really, that it does not need to be transcribed here)
Smart but hot chick: Well, you have to hand it to Obama. He's been
very bi-partisan about his financial bailout plan…both liberals and
conservatives hate it.
Lecherous guy: Hey, "bi" is okay with me. Bring a Japanese girlfriend
and we'll have a real bi-party-san.
Brian: Well, here's the latest deal. One trillion dollars. One trillion
more dollars are going to get dumped down the rat hole that Wall Street
has become. And here's how they're selling it to us. See if this sounds
familiar. The government steps in and buys a bunch more toxic crap
from the big banks, banks that should have been put out of their misery
and liquidated long ago. Well, actually, it's like, other people are going
to put up a fraction of the money to buy the toxic crap but We The
Patsies will put up most of it. That's why they call it a public-private
"partnership". But the partnership part of it is just spin because the
government is taking most of the risk. Anyway, the banks are going to
unload a bunch of toxic crap that no one wants to buy at the prices they
are asking because it's all toxic crap and everyone knows that it's almost
worthless and so the government is going to buy a trillion dollars of it.
It's a screw and we'll be lucky if we only lose half of our investment.
Yeah, five hundred billion at least. But here come the Masters of the
Spiniverse to tell us that the toxic crap isn't worthless, it's just under-
valued because the market is gripped with fear and paranoia. That toxic
crap is only a little bit bad, they say, and if we buy it at a discount and
we are patient enough we'll see a big return at the end of the road.
Cha-ching!
Dumb guy: Uh, you lost me.
Brian: Sorry. Okay, here it is in a nutshell. They've got stuff that no
one wants to buy but they tell you that it's worth a lot more than this
low, low price that they're willing to sell it to you for. It's a steal at
these prices! You're guaranteed to make money. It's a "can't lose"
proposition.
Overly PC liberal guy: Hey, that sounds like my real estate agent.
Repentant neo-con conservative guy: And my stock broker.
Dumb guy: And my dead-beat brother-in-law.
Laid back guy: Dudes and dudettes, it's snake oil. It's a scam.
Brian: My point exactly. It's a scam. And this is like, so much worse
than the AIG bonuses thing. I mean, people got so angry about that
and that was only a measly $165 million. This is a trillion dollars
that we're going to lose this time around. That's six-thousand times
more! So everyone should be six-thousand times angrier about this
than they were about those bonuses. I mean, I'm so outraged that
I've been searching around the internet for instructions on how to
build a guillotine.
Laid back guy: Dude. Lighten up.
Brian: Lighten up?! Lighten up! You know, I ride in the MS-150
every year. That's where we ride our bikes one-hundred and fifty
miles over two days to raise money for the victims of Multiple
Sclerosis. But this year you know what I'm going to do? I'm going
to sponsor my own ride called My-401k. I'm going to kidnap bankers
and force them to ride four-hundred and one kilometers every day
until their friends and relatives cough up enough money to make up
for what I lost in my retirement fund.
Repentant neo-con conservative guy: Hey, not all bankers are bad.
Overly PC liberal guy: I have to agree. It's the system that's corrupt.
(But they don't really agree, and tragically another boring argument
about deregulation, what Democratic presidents did, what Republican
presidents did, and what the Federal Reserve did, and all argued using
talking points rather than facts and logic erupts between the repentant
neo-con conservative guy and the overly PC liberal guy until one of
them brings up the Smoot-Hawley Tariff Act and the rest of the
dysfunctional but lovable friends are forced to bind and gag the pair
to get them to shut up)
Brian: Praise to Ishtar. If only we could do that to all the people who
keep that ideological argument crap going in real life.
Dumb guy: Yeah, we shouldn't play the blame game. We need to
set fault aside and solve our problems.
Brian: NO! We SHOULD play the blame game. And we need to
get it right. None of this ridiculous political grandstanding. I want
to see judges and lawyers and real prosecutions, not some powerless
bi-partisan congressional investigating committee whose purpose is
to find a scapegoat and whitewash everybody else, themselves included.
I mean, how can we fix the problem if we don’t know, or at least we
don't agree, how it happened in the first place? And when we find
out how it happened we will know exactly who is to blame. It's not
some game, it's called justice. And we need it, badly. But you see,
that will never happen, because the guilty people want to keep the
ill-gotten gains that they made under the corrupt system and so they
want to sweep the whole blame thing under the carpet. You know,
they'll convict Bernie Madoff and make it seem like justice was served
but they'll let everyone at the big banks and the hedge funds and
everywhere else get off without even a slap on the wrist. Most of them
will even get to keep their jobs even though they screwed up about as
badly as anyone can. And the reason why the government lets all that
happen is because most of them are enslaved to their party's leaders
and their parties are all about giving back to their campaign fund
contributors. It's one big circle of payola. And here's a news flash for
you, it isn't just the Republicans who are on Wall Street's dole, now
those supposedly pro-labor Democrats are also in the business of
paying back their Wall Street pimps, and all with our money.
Dumb guy: But isn't everyone's fault? You know, we all went along
with it, so we all deserve some of the blame.
(Sound effect of Brian's head nearly exploding, or is it a sound effect?)
Laid back guy: Dude, calm down.
Brian: I AM NOT TO BLAME! I lived responsibly. I lived within my
means. I didn't play the market, or buy or build or flip or refinance some
monster-sized house, or buy a bunch of crap on credit to help "stimulate"
a dysfunctional and doomed economy. I've earned the right to act like a
self-righteous a-hole and that's exactly what I'm going to do. In fact, I
didn't just live modestly, I was out there warning everyone about the
problems that were building up, but did anyone listen to me? Noooooo.
I was mister "doom and gloom". I was laughed at and ignored. But now,
now the devastation is finally here. Well folks…can you hear me now?!
Laid back guy: Dude...seriously, chill out.
<(But Brian got even more angry)
Brian: And here's where you all better listen and listen good. I'm not
the only one who's not responsible for any of this crap. There's a lot
of us out there. And normally we're a quiet bunch who just mind our
own business, but when we get really, really mad, like now, do you
know what happens? Yeah, we go all Fascist on you. That's right,
Fascist with a capital F, and…well, capital punishment too. Does that
scare you? Well, it should. You see, while everyone else was out there
lying and cheating and having fun, we were sitting at home, playing by
the rules, and doing everything prudently. But now, now that the people
who lived large, broke the rules, and ended up in trouble want us to bail
them out, well we're going to rise up and put our foot down. On your
necks! Oh, you're going to be sorry, because we're going to do a lot more
than just give you all a stern lecture about your moral failings. No, we
won't be reading from the bible, or telling you that "we told you so",
and we won't be delivering pretty speeches about how to motivate
yourself to get up off your backside and climb up "the hill". No, we'll
be marching you up that hill, at gunpoint, and chained at the ankles so
that you can't slink away like you did from all your other responsibilities.
(Stunned silence fell over the studio as the others felt too nervous to
interject anything, and were a little afraid as well)
Brian: Yeah, we'll find us a dictator. Someone tough, and disciplined,
like we are. Not like any of the panty-waste politicians that get up there
and tell you what you want to hear and then turn around and do whatever
their campaign contributors tell them to do when they get elected. I
mean, the lefties called Bush a dictator. Give me a break. The man is
an incompetent coward. He proved it on September eleventh and he
proved it again during Katrina. He's useless. We all saw the footage.
When a crisis comes along he just sits there like a bump on a log.
He was a dictator? He was a leader? Get real. Bush couldn't lead
lemmings over a cliff. (Editor's note - lemmings do not actually
commit mass suicide as portrayed in a Disney documentary some years
ago, please check
this
out for a more detailed explanation) And Obama? A dictator? The righties
in this country have lost their minds if they think that Obama's got the
guts to chart his own path. No, he's acting like one of them now, one
of the Washington elites. He promised change, and that's what happened.
The bastard changed. And don't get me started about Reagan…or Clinton
either. Or rather, either Clinton either.
(Fortunately both the repentant neo-con conservative guy and the overly
PC liberal guy were bound and gagged and so they weren't able to speak
up and defend their mighty heroes)
Brian: And there's going to be no more of this pathetic two-party system,
and no more arguing about which side is right. That's all just a stupid
distraction anyway these days. You know what the difference is between
the two parties? Democrats are sniveling, spineless, and wrong; and
Republicans are confident, forceful, and equally wrong. Choose your
flavor of incompetence and corruption and cast your ballot. Maybe it
will be counted but it isn't going to matter. No, when us pissed-off
responsible type people get our backs up there's only going to be one
party in this nation, and if you aren't loyal to it then say hello to a forced
labor and re-education camp. We're going to tell you what to do because
you're too stupid to follow the rules. We're going to take away all your
privileges because you're too irresponsible to use them wisely. We're
going to tear down all your false idols in Hollywood and on Wall Street
and in Washington and on television and on the internet and drag you
kicking and screaming into the real world. And we're going to send
out a swarm of brownshirts to smash every symbol of this screwed up,
consumerist, "anything goes" culture of yours and force you to bow
down before the god of GROW THE HELL UP!
(A pause follows…not a Paul Harvey pause, more like a Paul Hitler
pause)
Smart but hot chick: Brian, it
might not be as bad as you think it is. The markets have been stable
for a while now and they're going back up. Maybe cooler heads are
prevailing. And while things will be bad for a year or two maybe they
won't get really bad.
Brian: (Gets one step closer to the edge and he's about to break)
Listen. What has happened with every prediction that the "experts"
have made so far? Remember how they said that the housing market
could never go down, or the DOW was headed to thirty thousand, or
that the economy was fundamentally strong, or that if we threw enough
money at the problem that we'd avoid a recession, or…or…or. And
when they were proved wrong each and every time they just made new
predictions, pretending as if they had any credibility left, and those new
predictions were just like their old predictions only they lowered their
estimates just enough to make it seem like things were going to get
better a little further down the road, like in six months or a year or so.
Smart but hot chick: Yes, but…
Brian: Okay, so how do I know we're doomed? I'll make it simple.
It's all about debt. You know how high debts are today don't you?
Smart but hot chick: Yes, even higher than they were before the
crash of 1929.
Brian: And the government thinks that they can solve the problem by
borrowing more and then paying off the banks so that they will start
lending again and everyone else can borrow more. They're trying to
solve the debt problem by creating more debt!
Smart but hot chick: Well, when you say it like that it sounds
really stupid.
Brian: It is! And here, Obama is projecting a deficit of $1.8 trillion
in 2010, which is almost as much as the total number of dollars that
all of the Asian countries combined are holding, meaning that even
if they were willing to lend us all that money, and they'd have to be
stupid to do so, we'd wipe out all of their savings in less than two years.
And that's just using Obama's rosy projections, which don't include all
of the other spending he's going to need to do to make good on the
trillions of dollars of guarantees that Uncle Sam has made in our
names over the last year. We're broke, our country is broke, and our
leaders are trying to borrow their way out of debt. It's insane! And
now the Fed has started printing money and opened up that can of
worms. I swear, it's like being on a plane and finding out that the
pilot is blind. Soft landing? Fat chance.
Smart but hot chick: But what if it all works? What if you're wrong?
You've been wrong about things before you know.
(The sinister, and rather discomforting sounds of Brian chuckling
can be heard)
Brian: Oh, I'd love to be wrong. I've made a good living for myself
in this screwed up economy and I wouldn't mind seeing the madness
of the last ten years keep on going for the rest of my life. I'd love to
be sitting right here with you five years from now when everything is
back to normal, or whatever it is we call this perverse state of being,
and we could just laugh about how foolish I was back then. So if you
like you can hold on to that naively optimistic dream because yeah, it
might all come true. And if you're so inclined you can cling tightly
to your smooth-talking, pretty-boy president and his crack team of
economic advisors who are still following a failed economic ideology
and your oh-so-knowledgeable-about-the-great-depression chief of the
Federal Reserve, and you can have as many trillions of dollars as you
want to throw at the problem and you can pretend that it's going to
be enough to save you.
(And now Brian's sinister tone turns into raging anger)
Brian: So go ahead, bet against me! Put up everything you've got
against what I've got. Going to print up a few trillions to bail out a
deficit that no one wants to finance? You'd better keep those printing
presses running full speed around the clock because I've got over a
quadrillion dollars in insanely overleveraged derivatives ready to
smash everything you've ever built into a million pieces. And do
you like bailing out AIG? Well get ready to do a lot more of that
because that was caused by only a few tens of billions of dollars of
Credit Default Swaps going bad. I've got fifty trillion more where
that came from and it's going to rain down like fire from the sky on
every financial institution on the face of the planet. And all your
mighty economic wizards are going to be running around with a big
money hose hooked up to the Federal Reserve trying to put out the
fires, but water isn't going to come out, only paper, paper dollars.
And you know what? Paper burns! So take your hubris, take your
experts, hell, you can even take all your gods and angels and try to
stop the mother of all bubbles from devouring everything that you
hold dear. You say that Jehovah is with you? And Vishnu too?
Well, I've got the Dark Goddess on my side and she is pissed!
You've got no chance. Bush had no chance. Obama's got no
chance. McCain wouldn't have had a chance either. Do you think
that Jesus is going to come down and save the markets? Good luck.
Who do you think killed Jesus when he came down the first time?
So bring it on, Jesus! Let's see a second coming. The Dark
Goddess will send you back to heaven nailed to a cross made of
greenbacks, upside-down this time, and faster than you can say,
"Why hast thou forsaken me?"
(And now Brian started screaming as loud as he could)
Brian: Hear my words and listen this time! The sky is falling! All
the dead, well, at least the dead economists, are rising up from their
graves! The stars are right! We're all doomed! It's gonna be lights
out! Do you understand? LIGHTS OUT!
(What could be the most awkward silence of all time descends over
the KTLB studio. Several minutes of dead air follow, more dead even
than Paul Harvey. Finally the silence is broken.)
Brian: Well, to hell with this. I can't do this anymore. It's April
Fool's Day and I'm trying to be funny and I just can't do it. I'm just
so full of anger and hatred and frustration that it all comes out
sounding like the most awful bile that I can produce. I'm sorry. I'm
done ranting and offending everyone. And I'm done broadcasting
too. This is it. I'm taking KTLB off the air for good. It's over.
Good night. This is Brian Voth, signing off.
(end of transcript)
And so Brian left his paid group of mildly dysfunctional, but each
lovable in their own way, friends behind, jumped on his bike, and
pedaled for home. He had a lot on his mind and being alone on a
bicycle is a good place to get some thinking done. So as he rode he
pondered the economic crisis, the political madness, the world, and
what his place was within it all, and as usual he couldn't come up
with any satisfactory answers.
Then some idiot driving an SUV and talking on her cell phone at
the same time cut him off as she suddenly swerved into a parking lot,
leaving Brian with no way to avoid running into her. It was the kind
of thing that happened a lot on that particular road…some dumb ass
cutting you off. In fact, Brian had taken to calling it "Dumb ass cuts
road" because you could almost always expect someone to nearly
run you over when you rode on it. Normally Brian would have been
on his guard for someone doing something stupid, but this day his
mind was focused elsewhere and so with a heavy thud, he paid the
price for not paying attention.
Thus, it was on the road to "dumb ass cuts" that Brian fell off of his
bike, struck his head on the pavement, and had what could have been
called a religious experience or a divine revelation if Brian hadn't
been an atheist. So instead we'll just call it a fortuitous brain fart.
It was not a vision. No deity spoke to him. A choir of angels that
sounded a whole lot more impressive than what even the most costly
Yamaha keyboard could produce was not heard. But for one brief
moment Brian felt something that he hadn't felt since his childhood:
a wonderful feeling that filled his heart with everything that had been
missing from his life as he now knew it. For an instant Brian felt safe,
warm, and loved, and not only that he also felt reborn, and with a new
and powerful sense of purpose. It was as if a door had opened and a
universe of infinite possibilities stood before him, and there he was,
looking through that doorway and feeling like a kid again, wanting
to go running through it and explore everything that life had to offer
with a sense of wonderment and fascination. It was that feeling, that
glorious, exhilarating, and innocent feeling that pulsed through Brian's
mind as he fell, and that feeling changed him forever.
The clueless driver, oblivious to what had happened, drove off, leaving
Brian with a flat tire, some road rash, and a nasty bruise on the side of
his head, but as he patched himself and his bike back together he could
think of only one thing, "I must experience that feeling again, and help
others to feel that way as well."
Once he was home Brian swept away all the trappings of his former life,
tossing oodles of his once treasured objects into the garbage or pawning
them off on eBay, and he devoted himself to his new mission in life.
Opening up an old notebook to the nearest blank page the founder of
Fireaxe began to describe in words what he had experienced only in
feelings on that fateful day, and oh how the words flowed. The decades
old pencil in his hand was almost flying over the page as the inspiration
poured out of him. And as he wrote, his message of a return to a long
lost place and time took shape on the page before him and grew more
powerful with every stroke.
Brian worked all through the night and halfway through the next day,
not wanting to sleep before he had completed his epic masterpiece for
fear that that feeling, that fleeting feeling which had inspired him,
would be gone when he awoke. And so, with his fingertips sore, his
palm covered in graphite dust, and his eyelids desperately yearning to
close, Brian scrawled out the final words of his personal revelation
before succumbing to the sandman, collapsing face-down on the essay
that would soon change the world and everyone in it.
The next day he posted it to the internet.
For a while nothing happened, and Brian's newfound sense of purpose
began to fade. He wondered if this had been another illusion, that his
essay had been just one more thing that he had felt strongly about but
which no one else did. He also wondered if anyone was going to read it.
After all, with so many people writing blogs these days it was hard to
get any attention paid to your writings, and what was more was that the
people who'd want to read what he wrote, well, they were probably
spending their time writing those other blogs. So as nothing continued
to happen, Brian spent a lot of time staring into the void, wondering
how it was that he'd been so wrong about something which he felt so
right about.
A week later he got an e-mail from someone who'd read his essay
and was gushing with praise, thanking Brian profusely for writing it.
The next day another e-mail came in which the sender also sang
Brian's praises, and that was followed by a third in which the author
told of being so inspired by the essay that she'd decided to change her
whole life and was now happier and more productive than she'd ever
been. In the days that followed Brian got more such e-mails, and in a
few weeks time he was getting so many that he couldn't answer them
all individually. But try he did. Alas, he could not keep up with the
flow and in a month's time his mailbox was completely packed with
unanswered e-mails. It was amazing. His message was resonating
loudly with others and many were asking him to write another essay,
building on the growing movement that he had started. Exited, elated,
and feeling oh so vindicated, Brian was more than happy to oblige.
But he decided to go one step further than merely write another essay.
And so Brian bought a digital camera and made a YouBoob video.
It was unlike anything that anyone had ever seen.
Like so many of the other self-made videos on that site it was nothing
more than one person talking into the camera, but it was what Brian
said that made it so different. He began graciously, thanking his many
supporters for their sentiments and their stories and even mentioning
a few of them by name. There was nothing revolutionary about that,
but simply doing it reminded people that civility hadn't been completely
killed by the internet, at least not yet. And it made them think that
perhaps their own manners could use a little cleaning up in the future.
It would be the first of many times his viewers would question
themselves.
On the table before him Brian had a stack of books, and one by one
he opened them and began to read. One was the Bible, one was the
Koran, one was Mao's little red book, and there were many, many
others, each one of them held in high regard by the followers of one
ideology or another. Brian didn't add any of his own commentary as
he read. It wasn't necessary. The passages explained themselves. At
first the words seemed ancient and irrelevant, as if they had been
washed away by all the changes and advances of the modern world,
but as Brian spoke them they erupted with life again, sounding ageless
and eternal as they rose up to take their rightful place as the foundation
of humanity's wisdom.
But they were not happy verses, and they did not fill the viewers with
a sense of pride and faithfulness. It was quite the opposite really. For
the passages that Brian had chosen were ones that spoke out against all
of the transgressions that the faithful of every faith, as well as those
who had no faith, had committed against their neighbors, against their
enemies, and against themselves. Sin after sin, scandal after scandal,
wrong after wrong, the list seemed endless but no one dared turn away
as they watched. Brian spoke calmly and forcefully, sparing no one
as he read from those books, and in the minds of all those who listened
they did hear not Brian's voice, but the voice of what in their hearts
they knew to be that of the supreme authority shaming them for what
they had done and were still doing, and admonishing them for ever
believing that they were so righteous that they no longer needed to
adhere to the more difficult practices of their beliefs.
And when Brian closed the last book and set it down before him there
was no one in the world who had watched the video who did not feel the
immensity of their own guilt as well as the overwhelming desire to make
things right once more. They were ready to commit their lives to making
up for the evils which they had brought into the world. That was when
Brian began to speak in his own words.
"When I was young I used to have a tiny box that once held staples but
which had outlived its usefulness in that regard.", Brian began, his voice
taking on that quality of reminiscence that puts people's minds at ease.
"I kept it in my desk at school, right beside all my textbooks and
notepads and pencils and all the other things which I'd come to associate
with the drudgery of learning and making good grades. Most of the
time I spent at my desk I would be doing my schoolwork, completing all
the exercises to the best of my ability, but every now and then I'd have
a little free time, and during those times I would pour my creative
energies into making something that I, and perhaps a few others, would
appreciate and enjoy. Then I would fold it up neatly and place it in that
box, on top of the other wonderful little things that I had made, and put
it back amongst the boring books and the dreary notepads."
"Over time that little box filled up with a number of amusing things:
some drawings, a story or two, more than a few cartoons, whatever I
had felt like making at the time.", Brian said, waxing nostalgic, but
not getting lost in his own story. "And that little box I began to
associate with pleasure and wonderment, for whenever I added to it,
or even when I just opened it up and looked through all the things
that I had put into it, I once again felt the joyous feelings that came
from performing a labor of love. It was like having a little box of
sunshine in my desk, and it made going to school seem not so bad."
"I don't know what happened to that box. It's gone now. And gone
with it are all those little reminders of how wonderful life can be.",
Brian spoke, building up to the point of his story. "The sad part is that
I didn't know that it was gone for a very long time. I didn't realize that
something was even missing. I suppose that I was too distracted by all
the other things in my life to notice that I no longer had my little box
of sunshine. So all that time I wasn't putting anything into it, and it
wasn't there for me to look through and remember that life can be a
beautiful thing."
"But now, now I know that it's gone. And I know what I have to do.",
and now all those who were watching could feel something arising
deep within their hearts as if they knew what Brian was going to say
next, but they still wanted to hear him say it. "Friends, neighbors,
fellow humans, let us make our world into a little box of sunshine,
and let us start filling it with all the things that makes this world worth
living in. Let us all contribute, and give, instead of being selfish and
only taking what the world has to offer. We must do this so that we,
our children, our children's children, and all who come after us, can
look at what we have done and be filled with pride, happiness, and
the passion to go forth and contribute their own things of wonder."
And that was all he said.
And that was all it took.
Within hours the internet traffic to and from YouBoob overloaded
the servers and the site had to shut down. But within hours Brian's
loyal supporters were quick to put the video on mirror sites across the
globe and before long thousands of people were watching the video
and buzzing about what they'd just seen in chat rooms and bulletin
boards everywhere. It seemed that everyone wanted to see it and
soon millions of people were logging on to the internet in search of
the video that their friends and family members had told them that
they absolutely had to see. But alas, the internet was not designed to
handle such a heavy load, and although millions of people were able
to watch Brian's humble video, and were transformed by the
experience, hundreds of millions, nay, billions of people were left out.
That state of affairs could not go unanswered.
And so it was hastily arranged for Brian to deliver his YouBoob
message on live television and to have it broadcast simultaneously
across the world so that everyone within walking distance of a
television could watch it. But that didn't seem to be good enough
and so telecommunications companies got into the act as well and
offered to beam the speech across their networks so that anyone
with a cell phone could hear it too. And as news of the soon to be
broadcast speech spread over the planet via newspapers, phones,
and word of mouth, people of every faith, color, and creed began
to realize that something truly amazing and unprecedented in the
history of humanity was about to happen. It was a truly exciting
time to be alive.
Television crews were dispatched to Brian's humble apartment,
intending to broadcast the speech in the same place that the
original video was made, and somehow resisting the urge to sex
the presentation up to the gills as Hollywood so often does.
Instead they would try their best to duplicate the look and feel of
the original recording. But just minutes before the camera crews
arrived and Brian's apartment was transformed into what seemed
like the focal point of the entire universe, a visitor came and
knocked on Brian's door.
It was one of Fireaxe's oldest and dearest supporters, someone who'd
known Brian since the early days of his musical project, back when it
was still difficult to find and download porn from the internet. Brian
was surprised to see him and welcomed him inside to share in his
moment of triumph, but what surprised Brian even more was what
his friend had to say.
"So who the hell are you now anyway?"
Brian was speechless.
"Are you the Destroyer of Dreams? The Servant of Pain? Or are you
now one of the Masters of the Universe?", the man said angrily, and
more than a little disappointedly, about what he'd seen the creator
of Fireaxe become. "I saw your video. It was crap. For years you
railed against ideologies and shot everyone's dreams to pieces. You
burned through politics, religion, and economics and left nothing
sacred. But now you're about to infect the entire world with the most
insidious dream that anyone has ever seen! You've become the enemy.
So tell me something so that I know for sure, were you full of it then,
or are you full of it now?"
"Look.", Brian began, regaining his composure. "I spent what,
thirteen years blasting away at everyone's most cherished ideals,
slaving away over my guitar and my computer, pouring money,
time, and my life into Fireaxe, and what did I accomplish? I had
maybe two-hundred listeners at the most, maybe a couple dozen
people who thought that my music was good enough to recommend
to others, and most of the people who heard my message didn't
even understand what I was talking about. It's the same thing with
my newsletters. I mean, I could have had the same effect on the world
if I just drove out in to the desert, miles from anywhere, and screamed
my damn fool head off for an hour or so every couple of months. But
now, thanks to a fantastic, life-changing accident, I'm seeing things
in a whole new way. And now my message is reaching people, a lot
of people, and I'm changing their lives for the better. I'm finally
giving them what they need. Look, I'm still the same person. See,
you know that box I was talking about in that video, my little box of
sunshine? Well, Fireaxe was one of the things that I've been putting
into that box all these years. It's my contribution to the world. But
you see, the box is bigger than Fireaxe. Fireaxe was just what made
me happy. But what I'm giving to the world now is something that
can make everyone happy."
The man considered those words, but didn't hesitate with his answer.
"Creating Fireaxe was what made you happy, and so yes, the music
you wrote fits nicely inside the box, but the stories you told with your
lyrics and the meaning behind those lyrics, those are far, far bigger
than the box. Your ideas are large enough to contain that little box of
sunshine, and every other box in the world for that matter.", the man
retorted. "Listen, I don't agree with everything that you've written
or sung or said. In fact, I find some of it offensive, and some of it
makes me wonder if you've completely lost your mind. But I always
want to read what you've written, and hear what you've recorded, and
that's because you make me think, and that's a rare thing in this
world. You, Brian, make me question my view of the world and my
place within it. You challenge me to expand my horizons. You force
me to sit down and ask myself if what I believe and feel strongly about
is a load of crap. And to be honest, a lot of the time I hate you for that.
Sometimes you're a real pain in the ass."
Brian sat and listened as his admirer turned the tables on him, forcing
the creator of Fireaxe to examine his own beliefs. But he also thought
about the authors and directors and musicians and others who had
shaped his ideas and challenged his beliefs and how much he respected
and admired them even if he didn't agree with them. Then Brian
wondered if he'd become one of those influential creators, and that was
an awesome thought.
"And that's why you're not popular. Well, that and the fact that you
play a style of music that's essentially dead. But you don't tell people
what they want to hear. In fact, you tell people what they don't
want to hear. And there isn't a big market for that.", the man added
with a wink and a grin. "But people like me need people like you.
Not to tell us what to think or what to do, but to tell us that there's
more to the world than we think there is. I mean, what do you get
when you turn on the television, or the radio, or go to the movies, or
click around on the internet? All you see is someone trying to tell you
what you want to hear. They're just trying to pleasure you for money.
They're whores. That's what they are. Whores. So maybe you get off
on someone making you feel good, or maybe you get off on someone
making you feel angry at people you don't like, or maybe you get off
on feeling afraid of some boogeyman. They don't care. They'll just
do whatever they need to do to get you off and then take what they
need. Honestly, it's like an ideological Sodom and Gomorrah out
there."
And Brian appreciated that vivid imagery very much.
"And that's why we need you.", the man said as he drew his soliloquy
to a close. "You're not a whore. You're not a sellout. You're the exact
opposite. You're a heretic. You're the village atheist who keeps us all
honest, or who tries to at least. But even though the masses just block
you out when you do the Fireaxe thing, remember that I'm still out there
and I want to hear what you have to say."
And after that moving speech Brian could do nothing but rethink his
newfound perspective on the world. It made him wonder if he'd truly
seen the light or if it really had been all an illusion. A few moments
later the camera crews pulled up outside and the big show was about
to start. Brian's friend headed for the door, not wanting to be around
when things got crazy.
"Thanks.", Brian said as he nodded respectfully to the man who cared
enough about him to tell him exactly how he felt. "You've always been
of great intellectual value to me too."
And then he was gone and the madness began.
The second, professionally done, recording of Brian's message isn't
available at YouBoob anymore, and neither is the first one as popular
outcry demanded that it be taken down. Perhaps you can dig it up
somewhere on a mirror site if the PC police haven't gotten to it yet,
but of the people who saw the live broadcast, and they number over
a billion, there are a few who remember what Brian said well enough
that they can retell it almost word for word. It started out the same as
that modest little YouBoob video did, with Brian sitting at a table with
a stack of books at his side, but what he said the second time around
was quite a bit different than what he'd recorded before:
"Friends, neighbors, fellow humans, you're all missing something,
something that you need more than anything else in the world.
Sometimes you feel it strongly, and sometimes not much at all,
but the need is always there. That's what these books were written
to do.", Brian began, passing his hand over the Bible, Koran, and
the other revered texts. "Their purpose is to make you feel that need
and allow you to alleviate it, but only if you follow what the books say
and spread the word. The books turn you into addicts, into drones,
and into slaves."
"They promise you a little box of sunshine, something that can fill
your heart with joy now and then so that you can endure the toil of
hard work and the pain of conflict and do what's necessary to hold the
book that you accept to be true higher than all the others.", Brian said,
speaking calmly and forcefully. "And they'll tell you that box is out
there somewhere, hiding just around the corner, and if you just follow
the book that you'll get there."
"But is that little box of sunshine just a dream? Is it just make-believe?
No, it's real. I know it's real. And when you open it up you feel the
most wonderful thing in the world. That little box will wipe away all
your tears, take away all your pain, and make you feel whole again.
It's worth fighting, and dying, for.", Brian continued, putting feeling
into the words and making them come alive. "Very soon we're going
to need to open up that little box of sunshine because we've painted
ourselves into the darkest, ugliest corner that the human race has
ever been in, and we've got a lot of death, and suffering, and misery
ahead of us. Let's be honest. Did we really think that things could
go on being so good forever? Did we truly believe that we were at
the end of history?"
"And so as things get worse, and we feel the need for relief, we'll all
be searching for that little box of sunshine, the most wonderful thing
in the world, and fighting over it when we find it since there isn't
enough to go around.", Brian added, his voice grim and foreboding.
"But just how wonderful can that little box be if we judge it by its
fruits? You as well as I have seen what it does to people, how it
changes them when they pursue it, and how they forsake their morals
and principles just to get their daily fix from it. And so I can come to
no other conclusion but that it is not a gift from a god, nor is it the
answer to the great question of life, the universe, and everything, but
in fact it is the most vile thing in the world. The books make you
want it, and want it so badly, that you'll lie, you'll cheat, you'll steal,
you'll debauch yourself and others, you'll stab each other in the back
and slit each other's throats, and you'll corrupt each and every verse
in these god-damnable books to get your little slice of heaven."
"Don't think so? Well just look at yourselves. Look at yourselves!
Take a good, long, hard look in the mirror if you dare. Look at
everything that you've done over your entire lives and then come
and tell me how good and righteous and holy you are.", Brian added,
glaring at the camera and smiling in a wholly wicked way. "And if
you think that you're coming clean by admitting that while you've
done a few bad things in your life but just aren't capable of inflicting
the truly despicable and evil things that your books rail against then
well maybe push hasn't come to shove for you just yet. But we'll all
be finding out if I'm right really soon now. I think that each and every
one of you is going to see a side of yourself that will shock you, horrify
you, and repulse you to the very core of your being. Your precious
holy books will bring out what is most unholy in all of you."
And Brian let out a cruel laugh before adding his final, and most
memorable line.
"Now prove me wrong you simian-descended bastards!"