The Lukewarm Butterknife
Fireaxe Newsletter - edition 1.3.1
Apr. 1, 1998
"Pack up your troubles in an old kit bag
and smile, smile, smile!"
- Lyrics from "Fireaxe does the oldies"
Big news of big changes for Fireaxe. Fireaxe has been
signed! Also, Fireaxe gains new fans on Alpha Centauri. But
there's also some bad news, a multi-million dollar class action
lawsuit has been filed against your truly for Fireaxe's involvement
in the recent Arkansas tragedy. A big "Hello" to anyone receiving
the Lukewarm Butterknife for the first time. If you did not receive
a copy of this issue, please e-mail me immediately.
In an effort to expand it's dominance over the youth market, Disney has signed Fireaxe to a 3 CD, 4.5 million dollar contract. Disney plans to re-record and release the "Unholy Rapture" and "Lovecraftian Nightmares" demos and market a third CD comprising of metal versions of popular tunes like "Hakuna Matata" and "Colors of the Wind". When reached for comment a Disney spokesperson said,
"The social deviant market is one we need to hit. We've made strides to accommodate gays and lesbians, now we want to attract atheists, anarchists, and those people from Innsmouth with the curious skin problems. Fireaxe is going to win us a growing section of the market." Disney also revealed plans for a new attraction at it's Disneyland theme park. "Godslayer - The Ride" is scheduled to open in Spring of '99. The ride is a roller coaster which runs through a large church. Guests ride through various scenes depicting the epic battle between religion and rationality. In the final room an animatronic "godslayer" finishes off an animatronic god who spews forth a fountain of burning blood. The Fireaxe song "Godslayer" will play in the background.
"We plan to change the scenery in the ride often so that a different religion is slaughtered every month. Christianity, Bhuddism, New Age, Islam, etc. nothing will be left sacred. We strive for it to be an equal opportunity blasphemy.", said the Disney spokesperson. When reached for comment, Fireaxe creator Brian Voth said only, "I pretty sure one of us has sold out, I'm just not sure which."
When one reporter jokingly asked if Mickey Mouse would serve as a slain god during one of the months the spokesperson quickly fired back,
"Watch your mouth mister. Mickey's the one TRUE god. Who do you think is raising your kids, hunh?"
Late one night while listening to "Unholy Rapture", Fireaxe listener Mark Smithson was abducted by aliens. When recalled during hypnosis, Mark reported that he was levitated out of his room, taken aboard the spaceship, poked, prodded, anally probed, and sent back to his room in a confused state.
"I didn't realize what happened. All I knew was that my Fireaxe tape was gone and that my butt hurt." The missing Fireaxe tape has not been recovered, but the following transmission was received by NASA-JPL last night:
"Loved the tape. Awesome guitar work. Favorite song: Deathmachine. It makes us laugh and laugh and laugh. Write more music or we will destroy your planet!"
The incident in Jonesboro, Arkansas came as shock to everyone, except, apparently, any of the kids who knew the two perpetrators. In the following investigation the Fireaxe demo tape "Lovecraftian Nightmares" was found in the possession of one of the accused.
"That tape drove him crazy", exclaimed his exasperated mother. "He kept listening to the song 'Festival' over and over. It rotted his brain, all that reverb you know." Indeed, the two boys referred to their planned shooting spree as "The Festival" and where even heard singing the song in their jail cells later. When the parents of the slain children discovered that Fireaxe had just signed a multi-million dollar contract, the lawsuit was filed immediately. When reached for comment, Brian Voth offered the following statement:
"I have mixed emotions about all this. I am deeply sorry that the tragedy happened, I feel for the parents and the other kids, and I regret any role my music had in this incident. On the other hand, this publicity is going to do wonders for my sales figures, so you see why I'm sitting on the fence here." Officials have recently discovered backwardly encoded messages in the song "Festival". They say if you listen closely you can hear the words "Kill your classmates", "Do it, do it.", and "Clinton is innocent". The officials claim that these subliminal messages caused not only the Jonesboro tragedy but the public denial of Clinton's sexual misadventures.
To this Brian replied, "Backward masking? They're nuts. They should listen to the song forward. I guess they're too dim to make sense out of Lovecraft's poem."
The lyrics to this poem can be found here.
Fireaxe is not responsible for any murders you commit after listening to any Fireaxe songs.
Basically whatever Disney tells me to do.
Hope you enjoyed this April Fools day edition of "The Burning Blade". The next edition will be out in about two months, most likely with information about how to order the new Fireaxe CD. Take care.Brian Voth - Creator of Fireaxe