The Lukewarm Butterknife

Fireaxe Newsletter - edition 2.3.1

Apr. 1, 1999

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade,
likewise, when life gives you shit, make shit sandwiches."
- From "Optimism for Dummies"

Fireaxe has had a wild year. The biggest news is that Fireaxe is now being played at 150Db over Belgrade in an attempt to drive Milosevic back to the bargaining table. Also, Fireaxe has hired a new manager and the selling out has only just begun. But there's bad news too, after inspiring a local basketball team to victory, Fireaxe music caused a massive riot resulting in hundreds being jailed including yours truly.

A big "Hello" to anyone receiving the Lukewarm Butterknife for the first time. Please send it to everyone in your address book since the virus I attached to it to do that does not seem to be working properly.

NATO blasts Milosevic'c headquarters with Fireaxe music

Looking back on the success that the US Military had in Panama when special forces units flew helicopters over Noriega's headquarters blasting Guns & Roses at high volume, NATO forces began a similar campaign against Yugoslavian President Slobodan Milosevic this week. The original plan was to have a pair of Huey's sporting massive speakers flying low over what was thought to be Milosevic's secret command center playing Pantera at 150Db. This was to continue until he surrendered or choked on his own vomit.

"Operation 'Distract the media from Monica' -er- I mean
operation 'Vulgar Display of Power' should have been a complete
success", a NATO spokesman was heard to say. "No one can take
Phil Anselmo for more than two hours, not no way, not no how.
But just in case we had Metallica's 'Load' and 'Reload' as backups."

But something went wrong over Kosovo resulting in the Fireaxe CD "A Dream of Death" being played in place of Pantera's "Cowboys Form Hell". The results were not pretty.

"We had earmuffs on so we couldn't hear what was playing.",
said one helicopter pilot. "After a half and hour of blasting Milosevic's
headquarters we saw them put a sign up in the window. We called
SAC intelligence and got the translation - CRANK IT! It seems he took
quite a liking to the song 'I Am the Destroyer of Dreams'."

The tactic seemed only to strengthen Milosevic's resolve to fight on. Slobodan issued a statement on the national TV network telling Clinton to "Hide behind your diplomacy, your missiles and stealth technology." When asked if he would surrender Milosevic merely replied, "No fucking way!"

NATO officials claim that the operation wasn't a total loss. Many Yugoslavian rock critics surrendered during the assault citing the poor production quality of the CD as being too much for them to endure.

A press conference with President Clinton followed shortly where the press ambushed him with pointed questions.

Press: "Is there any truth to the rumor that NATO has used nuclear warheads in the action against Yugoslavia?"

Clinton: "Let me make this perfectly clear. I did not drop nukes on that man, Slobodan Milosevic."

The press was heard snickering.

Clinton: "What? What?"

Press: "Did one of our F-117 'stealth fighters' get shot down by a Yugoslavian missile?"

Clinton: "No. The cause of the crash was that the center fuel tank exploded. You know those darned center fuel tanks, they blow up all the time for no reason. No missile hit the plane. That plane is invisible to radar. I mean we spent 45 million dollars on it so it has to be good."

Press: "Isn't this war just a way to distract us from reporting on Monica Lewinsky?"

Clinton: "Let me say this. Monica Lewinsky can suck my... -er- I mean Monica has nothing to do with this."

Press: "Is it another woman?"

Clinton: "No comment."

Press: "Why is Slobodan Milosevic such a bad guy?"

Clinton: "He orders the killing of thousands of people. He rose to power by lying to his countrymen, making illegal deals, and crushing anyone who got in his way. He also spreads propaganda through the national news to cover up his immoral deeds."

The press was heard snickering loudly.

Clinton: "What? What? Are you saying that I've done all that too?"

Press: "What are your impressions of Fireaxe?"

Clinton: "I have a moral duty to put an end to music like Fireaxe's."

A few members of the press broke out laughing.

Clinton: "What? What so funny about me talking about moral duties?"

The rest of the reporters began to laugh uncontrollably.

Clinton: "Hey! I do have morals you know."

Hillary fell out of her chair gripping her sides. The entire audience was rolling on the floor laughing. Even Al Gore broke a smile.

Slobodan Milosevic has invited Fireaxe to play a concert in Belgrade at some point in the future should there be anything left of Yugoslavia after the warfare has ended.

Fireaxe under new management - total sellout anticipated

In a surprise move, heavy metal's defiant one-man band "Fireaxe" sold out to corporate interests and got a slick new manager.

"It's still about the music.", said Brian Voth sporting a goatee,
shaved head, tattoos and a nose ring. "It's just about getting
paid for it too."

"Spineless" Bob Toadie is taking over as manager for Fireaxe after having worked his magic on such bands as Metallica and Soundgarden.

"I heard this guy's CD and I was like 'What the hell?'",
described Bob Toadie. "No down tuning, clean vocals, guitar solos
all over the place, who's he trying to kid? I said to myself 'This guy
knows nothing about music'. And then there's the deal where both
guitars play different rhythms at the same time, I mean 'What's up with that?'."

"So we made some changes.", Brian Voth added, "But it
still had that distinctive Fireaxe sound. Well, no, it doesn't. But
it does have the Fireaxe logo on the disc."

Bob Toadie continued by saying that the new Fireaxe CD is edgier, heavier, more aggressive, and every other catch word that has been used to describe the current wave of music. "He's da bomb. He's the flavor of the month. He's The Next Big Thing."

"Bob knows the marketplace.", Brian told the press, "I'm sure
to be famous, or at least sell a lot of CDs. I hope he's right because if
Fireaxe doesn't turn a profit he says I'm going to have dress up like
Marilyn Manson. I don't think anybody wants to see that."

Toadie has Fireaxe scheduled to appear as Hollywood Hogan's manager on next Monday's "RAW is WAR" simulated wrestling show. The script calls for Brian to hit Brett Hart over the head with his guitar while he is trying to pin Hogan. The referee will be distracted and the title will be "unfairly" given to Hogan. Brian Voth will also appear on Jerry Springer as one of several 'Rock Stars without bands who hate their government'.

In response to questions about selling out Brian replied,
"It didn't seem like I was selling out at first, but on February 2nd when
the groundhog didn't see his shadow and they started playing 'Where's
the Sun?' over the loudspeakers I knew I'd been compromised. Let's
face it, I'm a whore. So what, that's the American way. Buy my CDs."

Fireaxe song "Godslayer" inspires area basketball team to victory

Seeking to give his team a competitive edge over their arch rival, a local high school basketball coach had the speakers in the auditorium blaring Fireaxe music before the game. Since his team was well below .500 and their rival was undefeated, the coach thought that the power-blasphemy cut "Godslayer" would be all too appropriate and would inspire his team to an upset victory. His plan worked, but it worked a little too well.

"My boys were really fired up, what with the lightning crashes
and thrashing guitar work blaring through the auditorium
they were totally pumped.", the coach said of his team. "They didn't
hold anything back, but maybe they should have. I mean 20 fouls in
the first 3 minutes is playing a little too aggressive, but we did knock
their first string out of the game if not completely unconscious."

The game was a rout, 82-14. In the second half most of the rival's players refused to take the court. Their coach had to go the rest of the game short handed. The home crowd loved every minute of the victory. But high school sports rivalries run deep in this part of the country and it wasn't long before parents and alumni from the different high schools were fighting in the stands. Things got ugly quickly as the visiting team's fans and coaches were beaten and killed. The violence escalated into a full scale riot. Angry fans poured out of the auditorium and into the streets. They'd seen one cherished idol - a rivals undefeated record - get destroyed and the mob was thirsty for more blood.

Five nearby churches were demolished or burned down that evening along with a McDonald's franchise and a Disney Store. The most heinous acts were committed at the local Catholic church.

"I've never seen such blasphemy.", exclaimed a severely shaken
police chief. "The cross was broken in half, Jesus image was urinated
upon, and the stained glass windows were all broken out. Those
bastards even raped the nuns and altar boys. I really feel sorry for the
nuns, they were devastated. The altar boys, well, they're used to it."

Two hours of rioting finally came to an end as police used tear gas to break up the mob. Over two hundred people were arrested including the creator of Fireaxe, Brian Voth. Brian was taken into custody after failing to incite the mob to destroy a local bank.

One rioter explained, "When Brian led us out to tear down all the churches,
we were all behind him. But the bank? No. Some things are sacred."

Ending Comments

All offended persons should note that this was the April Fool's day edition of "The Burning Blade" and are reminded to lighten up. The next edition will be out in about two months, possibly with information about how to order the new Fireaxe CD. Take care.
Brian Voth - Creator of Fireaxe

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