The Lukewarm Butterknife
Fireaxe Newsletter - edition 4.3.1
Apr. 1, 2001
"And so after losing my wife, my kids, my house, my job,
my car, my legs, and my dog in a series of horrible
accidents I asked myself, 'what does it all mean?'.
The answer was crystal clear, 'Nothing, you're still
going to die just the same.' And I was filled with
a sense of profound joy and relief."
- From "Chicken soup for the Nihilistic Soul"
Fireaxe Newsletter - edition 4.3.1
Apr. 1, 2001
"And so after losing my wife, my kids, my house, my job,
Apr. 1, 2001
"And so after losing my wife, my kids, my house, my job,
A big "Hello" to anyone receiving the Lukewarm Butterknife
for the first time. Remember that laughter is good for you, and if
you're laughing at this stuff, you need all the help that you can get.
It's been another strange year for Fireaxe. First there was
the avalanche of lawsuits filed by everyone from the major record
labels to Alan Greenspan. It seemed as if a month didn't go by
without sort of attempt to use the law to perform an illegal act.
Then there was the inauspicious endorsement by the NSSA, or
National School Shooters Association which will probably launch
another round of "legal" action. But through it all there was still
some focus on music as Fireaxe has latched onto the latest trend
and switched to the new eXXtreme metal sound.
A big "Hello" to anyone receiving the Lukewarm Butterknife for the first time. Remember that laughter is good for you, and if you're laughing at this stuff, you need all the help that you can get.
Brian Voth, creator of Fireaxe, and thousands of other CuBase users new and old were officially sued for damages by the RIAA. The "big five" recording labels filed the lawsuits claiming that CuBase had the potential for doing trillions of dollars of damages to their poor struggling industry. Steinberg, the makers of CuBase were also named in the suit since they also had a lot of money.
"We were shocked when we found out what people could do with this software.", announced RIAA spokesperson Dick Reardon. "You can put a CD in the drive of a computer and record the music right into this software. Then you can save it, sample it, put parts of it in your own song, or whatever you want, and then post it on the internet. It's a major threat to copyright laws. You could use it to copy anything. We must ban it as soon as possible, well, right after we take away all their money."A spokesman for Steinberg declared that if CuBase was banned it would mean that any recording device, such as tape recorders, CD burners, VCRs, and MiniDiscs could be banned and their users and manufacturers sued. The RIAA retaliated by saying, "We certainly hope so. We're going to do whatever it takes to protect our profits, er, the artists we represent."
When asked about the difficulty of getting a victory in such a case, especially against Fireaxe who has yet to produce a song using CuBase, Dick replied, "No problem, first we'll try him in the media where our financial clout will form the public opinion, then we'll take him to court. He's doomed."
"And furthermore," Dick Reardon added, "the other day I heard a kid singing an N'Sync tune while walking down the street. That means he's got an illegal copy of the song in his head. We demand that we get paid a royalty for that copy. And what if he sings it to someone else? That means that's another illegal copy floating around out there. We demand that all brain usage be suspended until we can figure out a way to stop the unlicensed copying of copyrighted material."As the RIAA stepped up their lawsuits against just about everyone, Alan Greenspan filed suit against Fireaxe claiming that Fireaxe was responsible for the economic downturn which cost him his credibility.
When reached for comment, Brian Voth sarcastically remarked, "Despite how screwed up this all is, this is America, justice will prevail. Justice, of course, meaning the side with the best lawyers."
"Everyone charges at least $17 for a CD. The big five, independents, everyone. It's the American way. Charge the moon if people will pay it.", said Greenspan, "But this Voth guy, five bucks. He's killing the economy. The consumer confidence index is way down and the number of Fireaxe listeners is at an all time high. Coincidence? No."Although it seemed like another idiotic economic cause and effect rationalization, no one could deny it.
"And he's doing it on purpose." Greenspan continued, "Once he wrote about an idealistic world where music was free. Blasphemy! Nothing should be free. Not even sex. We need to get this economy going again and if that means paying for sex, I'll be proud to do my part."Minutes later stocks for companies providing prostitute and escort services skyrocketed as investors took advantage of other investors speculating that the stocks would go up. Money changed hands and a lot of people got richer on paper although, strangely enough, nothing was actually produced.
"My lawsuit is going to force Fireaxe to charge at least $17 for his CDs, more if his fans can afford it. And to make sure that money gets fed back into the economy I'm going to have him send it to me so that I can spend it. That bastard would probably put it in the bank. Which reminds me, I need to lower the interest rates again. What's wrong with you people? Spend everything that you make! Save the economy! Save your jobs! Save your country! Come on you monkeys! Get out there and buy, buy, buy!"Just when things started to get closer to normal Fireaxe was hit with another lawsuit, this time from the once thought dead Howard Philips Lovecraft.
When reached for comment, Brian Voth said, "I'd comment on this, but right now I can't seem to get this awful image of Alan Greenspan having sex out of my mind."
"For fuck's sake, now what?", exclaimed an exasperated Brian Voth.Lovecraft, with the help of a few lawyers who wear long robes and who cover their faces with wax masks at all times, have filed suit against all his imitators, those who put his poems to music, and a plethora of modern horror authors including Steven King.
"You fools.", spoke H.P. Lovecraft dressed in the suit that he was buried in and bearing odd amphibian features, "I spent my entire life researching, studying, and warning you about the truths of the universe and you thought that it was just fiction? Now it's time for you to learn and know."
"Why Steven King?", H.P. mused, "It was my first time back on Earth after over sixty years and I wanted to know what influence my work was having. So I decided to read 'The Stand' having heard how it was your best author's best novel. Now do you understand why I no longer care for the people of this planet?"Fireaxe's CD "Lovecraftian Nightmares", particularly angered the horror author who had strong words to say about the music.
"When the stars are right and the earth is cleared off, the elder gods will dance in all their hideousness. And the music that they will dance to will no doubt be Fireaxe. That hideous cacophony of noise and wails would make Erich Zann cringe in horror. Azothoth could do no better at driving one insane."Lovecraft's suit over his original copyrights are being disputed by the RIAA who claim to own the Fireaxe copyrights simply because they have good lawyers. Lovecraft was not amused.
"Do not summon to court that who you cannot put away.", warned H.P. with a cold dark stare.And just when Brian was about to go completely broke from legal fees, thus forcing him to settle out of court, a final lawsuit came from none other than God himself.
"Thou hast defamed my character!", stormed the angry deity. "You shall suffer a plague of lawyers. You shall drown in summons. And you shall lose everything that you hold dear."Billions of people tuned in to the case of God vs Fireaxe. Worldwide religious leaders and fanatics rejoiced in the coming of their Lord and deliverance from the evil nihilistic atheism that is Fireaxe.
"Been there, done that, suck this.", replied Fireaxe's creator.
"Praise to God!", shouted one reveler outside the courthouse, "I know that the Lord preaches forgiveness and turning the other cheek, but I'm really going to enjoy watching this bastard go down!"It seemed as thought the entire world went silent as God stood up in court and presented his case.
"First of all, I exist. So there. But Brian has been telling everyone otherwise. This has hurt me greatly because it is faith that makes me strong and doubt that makes me weak.""Umm,", God though as he looked around the room at all the faces of the believers of all different religions, most of whom would never accept any answer that he could give. Anger, resentment and hatred strong enough to utterly destroy him waited behind a wall of anticipation. The silence was deafening. Finally God spoke.
A chant began in the courtroom, "We do believe in God. We do believe in God." God motioned for silence and they stopped.
"Brian does nothing but spread doubt and faithlessness.", God went on, "In his newsletter, in his music, in his e-mails there is nothing but contempt for me and my followers."
"He reads my e-mails?", whispered Brian, "Who is this guy, Big Brother?" No one laughed.
"He spreads anger, hatred, resentment and distrust towards religion, and this could destroy me." God spoke solemnly, "I demand that he repent, and I demand the repentance of all of his listeners. And if they do not repent, they are at your mercy."
"Death to Fireaxe. Death to Fireaxe.", the people began to chant, even the judge. God rested his case and took his seat. Things did not look good for the defendant who stood up to present his side.
"Just one question to God.", Brian began. "Just whose god are you anyway?"
"I'm the God of all people of course.", spoke the deity.
"That's not possible because all the different religions on our planet are contradictory and mutually exclusive. I'm sure that everyone just wants to know who is right and who is wrong. You know, settle this whole religion thing once and for all. So, whose God are you?"
It's loud, it's fresh, it's in your face, and it's extreme. What is it? It's the new sound of metal that Jack Sellers is trying to market to today's intensity-craving youth. The Lukewarm Butterknife caught up with Jack to ask him a few questions:
Q. Jack, is your music extreme enough for today's market?
A. Is it extreme enough? Of course. It's way extreme. In fact, it's so extreme that we had to use two x's to describe it. And lower case x's weren't extreme enough so we had to use upper case. That's how eXXtreme this music is.Q. Well, why not use three capital x's? Wouldn't that be even more extreme?
A. eXXXtreme?!? Nah, triple X is like porno. That's like downloading a picture of some guy with a chicken pecking his balls and a horse's head up his ass spurting cum all over Jerry Falwell.Q. Do you have the URL for that site?
A. Yeah its www.besti hey wait, is everyone out there over 17?Q. Who are the bands that you're promoting as eXXtreme?
A. Just Fireaxe for now, but a few more will follow. It's going to be big. We're going public really soon, hint, hint.The Lukewarm Butterknife also caught up with Fireaxe front man Brian Voth.
Q. Brian. What's eXXtreme about eXXtreme music?
A. Well, we find anything that sounds neat or cool in music and we just flat out overdo the crap out of it. A little isn't enough we do it all the way.Q. Like what for example?
A. Like any knob on our amps. We move it a little and if it sounds good we turn it all the way. That's eXXtreme. And the same goes for the mixing board, every knob is at one eXXtreme or another. Every slider is all the way up too, and the mix is far above digital 0. That's really eXXtreme.Q. Um, yeah, that sounds eXXtreme.
A. And the vocals, well, just yelling, screaming, and shrieking wasn't eXXtreme enough. I'm belting out lyrics so hard that I actually choke up blood after each verse. I'll be lucky if I can still talk after this CD is done let alone sing again. That's eXXtreme.Q. Wow, that is eXXtreme.
A. And the guitar parts. We play them eXXtremely fast, faster than anyone else AND we play eXXtremely slow, slower than anyone has ever done, and then we speed up or slow down the tracks twice as fast or slow and stick them together in the same song. That's eXXtreme.Q. That's way eXXtreme.
A. And the drummer is pounding away so hard that he breaks drums, cymbals, and even limbs during a session. He's in the hospital right now, but we're breaking him out tomorrow night to lay down another track. He'll be going at it again with a couple of casts on and hooked up to an IV.Q. That is totally eXXtreme. So how does the new stuff sound.
A. It's totally wicked awesome core eXXtreme metal. The sound is just, it's just, well...well actually it sounds like shit.
In January of this year, Mitchell Johnson and Andrew Golden formed the "National School Shooters Association", a group whose members are all students who were under the age of 18 when they killed at least one fellow classmate at school. In March they decided to endorse Fireaxe as their official favorite musical project.
"Oh hell, I smell another lawsuit coming.", said Brian Voth, creator of Fireaxe.This occurred during an unprecedented gathering of the groups members in Colorado, the intention of which was to see if any light could be shed on why they did what they did according to one of the psychologists in charge.
"We thought that if they had a peer group of people who were just like them, they'd open up and talk about what happened and we could finally figure out this mystery.", explained Cher Feelings. "They certainly did that."The group was escorted to the graves of Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold who were responsible for the Colombine school shooting, the worst in U.S. history.
"Mystery, you've got to be kidding.", moaned Andy Williams, responsible for the Santee shooting. "I was picked on ridiculed, beaten up, yelled at, and accused of molesting my girlfriend. I was pissed. I was getting screwed. I wanted revenge. So I shot people. How difficult is that to understand?"
"Seriously dude, I'm with you.", Mitchell Johnson of Jonesboro infamy added, "It's like that's all that I hear from these damn psychologists. Why did you do it? Why, why, why? I mean, didn't these people ever want to take a gun to school and shoot every one who pissed them off? Didn't everyone have a teacher or enemy or someone that they wanted to see dead? Well we just took that one step too far."
"Everyone wants to shoot up their school,", remarked Luke Woodham, perpetrator of Mississippi's worst school shooting. "but they aren't going to admit it. They're afraid that somebody will lock them up. I mean, that's happening. Kids go to school these days, they get picked on, they make some idle threat, and the next thing you know they're suspended. It's fucked up."
"Yeah, now everyone picks on you.", Andrew agreed. "If it isn't the other kids it's the teachers and the counselors and the principal. They're all looking around the school like, 'is that guy going to be the next school shooter?', you say one wrong thing and the next thing you know you're in for anger counseling and your reputation's gone. Everyone thinks that you're a nutcase."
"Been there, done that.", spoke up a quiet Michael Carneal, who shot up a prayer meeting in Kentucky. "You lose your friends you become more of an outcast. It all snowballs. I never wanted to end up that way, it just happened. Life sucks."
"These guys were gods.", admitted Andrew Golden, Mitchell's Jonesboro accomplice, "If only those damn bombs would have gone off and blown up the school with everyone in it. That would have fucking ruled."Nervous laughter came from the rest of the group.
"Totally with you there dude," added Mitchell, "I mean I completely regret what we did. I wish that we could take everything back. But it's kind of like, wouldn't it have been great if we could have got all those bastards?"
"Yeah, get your money's worth.", commented Andy Williams. "I'm probably going to get tried as an adult and put away forever. They just lose a loved one, I lose my whole life. Ah crap, it's just another indignity for poor Andy. It's like my entire existence is to take other people's crap. Go ahead. Send me to jail. Make me out to be a monster. I don't care anymore."
"Kill 'em all.", quoted Luke Woodham, from an old Metallica album.
"You know what one of the mother's of the victims said about me?", asked Kip Kinkel, Oregon's most notorious school shooter. " She said that she was glad that I wasn't going to be executed because she wants me to be tortured with fear and paranoia for the rest of my life. I'm glad that I shot that bitch's daughter."
"They call me a copycat killer.", bemoaned Andy.
"Yeah, copycats.", said Luke. "We're just fucked-in- the-head Marilyn Mansonite, outcast, scumbag, trench coat wearing, friendless, no good, gun crazy, losers because that's what everyone else is doing."Louder nervous laughter echoed from the group.
"So what do you all think?", asked Mitchell. "Who do you want to endorse as our favorite band?"
"Fireaxe.", said Andy, "The guy behind it is the only person that I know with the guts to write something as fucked up as this parody and send it out on the net. He rules. Plus he's moving down here this month."
"Yeah, I can't believe what he made me say.", remarked Kip, "He's nuts. And coming from me that's not good."
All offended persons should note that this was the April Fool's day edition of "The Burning Blade" and are reminded to lighten up. Passing judgment and closing the door on things aren't the solution, they just lead to more problems.Brian Voth - Creator of Fireaxe
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