The Lukewarm Butterknife

Fireaxe Newsletter - edition 5.3.1

Apr. 1, 2002

"So, Jesus, why exactly are you trying to fulfill the
prophecy? That’s kind of like cheating. If you were
going out of your way to try to avoid it and it still
happened, wouldn’t that make it seem more like
divine intervention?"
- Skeptical Sam, the apostle that we rarely
ever hear about

It’s been yet another strange year for Fireaxe. Just when it looked like Fireaxe had all of it’s legal troubles behind it, President Bush adds the musical project to his "Axis of Evil" and Attorney General John Ashcroft files criminal charges against Fireaxe creator Brian Voth. Also disturbing is the recent release by Britney Spears which includes not one but two stolen Fireaxe songs. Worse yet, Britney’s label claims that Fireaxe stole those songs from Britney. Lastly, the "Origins of Dark Humor" series continues with installment #44 with no end in sight.

A big "Hello" to anyone receiving the Lukewarm Butterknife for the first time. Yes, this is the official parody of the Fireaxe newsletter and, despite appearances to the contrary, it is intended to be funny.

Fireaxe added to "Axis of Evil" - Studio bombed

In a chilling address to the nation last Thursday, U.S. President George W. Bush continued to milk his wartime popularity and added a few more nations and people to the ominous "Axis of Evil", namely Libya, Syria, a few obscure Asian nations that have oil reserves that his Vice President’s pals would like to exploit, the state of Oregon (who recently knocked his home state of Texas out of the NCAA basketball tournament) and Fireaxe. Standing on the still smoldering remains of the World Trade Center and holding up a few charred but partially intact pieces of New York firefighters, the President milked national sympathy while delivering the sermon, or rather speech, in his usual grammatically bizarre fashion.

"We as a people know there’s no doubt in my mind that there are evil people in the world planning to do evil plans with evil weapons and we’re not going to let them do it. Evil countries like Iraq, Afghanistan, and Crudeoilistan, evil people like Saddam Hussein, Osama bin Laden, and Senator Tom Daschle, evil weapons of mass destruction like nuclear and chemical and that aren’t evil when we have them but become evil when evil people gets their evil hands on them. America stands united, and divided we fall, but we will not fall or falter when it comes to dealing with evil, like those evil referees who made evil calls in the Texas/Oregon game. That’s why we have military tribunals that are fair."

Bush then paused for applause and, receiving none from a confused crowd, went for a tried and true response.

"God Bless America!", Bush declared and the crowd roared in approval.

"And evil musicians with evil guitars in evil studios recording evil music onto evil CDs, America is divided against them!"

One of Bush’s aids started towards the podium to correct the president but W. was on a roll, "Evil like Fireaxe who says that he’s an evil athnostic neitzscheist and if that’s what he says that’s what he is then he is and we should bomb him. And we are because I gave the order this morning."

In a press conference later that day, Attorney General John Ashcroft gave more information about the Fireaxe bombing campaign.

"Our intelligence sources indicate that Fireaxe is linked to the terrorist organization Al Qaeda. One of Fireaxe’s CDs was played on the air in a country that has people named Muhammed in it which is the same name as one of the hijackers, Muhammed Atta!", Ashcroft said triumphantly, speaking catch words like Al Qaeda and Muhammed, loudly in an attempt to sound impressively authoritarian, "And, there are a lot of men named Muhammed who’ve been trained by Al Qaeda in Afghanistan!"

One reporter spoke up, "Dude, that is like, totally weak."

Taken aback, Ashcroft quickly added, "Uh, and there’s more evidence that’s all top secret that we can’t share because it’s a matter of national security. Lots of secret evidence that conclusively proves his guilt!"

And the audience believed every god damned word he said.

Fireaxe creator, Brian Voth, responded to the allegations outside of his apartment in the recently bombed city of Chula Vista.

"Just because I scare the crap out of John Ashcroft doesn’t make me a terrorist.", said the fugitive musician. "Seriously, we’re talking about someone who lost his Senate race against a dead man. What kind of qualification is that to be Attorney General? And the guy is a nut. He’s intimidated by the nudity of statues."

"And what’s the deal with all these bombs they’re dropping on my neighborhood? They’ve hit everything but the target. I’ve been watching them all morning. So far they’ve hit the other side of the apartment complex, the hospital next door, and the old folks home across the street. Nothing’s hit me yet. Are their maps up to date? Have they bombed the Mexican embassy yet?

Brian added, "Just turn your cameras around and take a look.", but the camera man replied that he couldn’t show any "war footage" since it could possibly compromise national security.

"Oh, for shit’s sake. Like Americans learning what’s really going on is some kind of threat to national security.", said Brian.

The reporter and camera man slowly nodded their heads.

That evening at a press conference Donald Rumsfeld vehemently refuted Brian’s statements.

"We’ve got him on the run. He’s scared. He’s got nowhere to hide. We hit everything that we wanted to hit and killed everyone that we wanted to kill. He’s lying about those other buildings. One was an Al Qaeda training camp and the other was an Al Qaeda weapons stash. We believe that they were trying to make weapons grade anthrax there. That so-called ‘hospital’ was full of chemicals and equipment that they were using to manufacture weapons of mass destruction. They weren’t cooking cookies in those bunkers."

"Um, he said he was baking a pizza. And he doesn’t live in a bunker, he lives in an apartment", added a reporter who was then taken outside and beaten for talking back.

The next day the bombers returned, hitting the old folks home for a second time and blowing up a bus full of children on their way to school. Rumsfeld later described the victims as "Taliban commanders and their families". The following day a B-1 bomber dropped a load of cluster bombs on the nearby playground and destroyed a Fed-Ex truck driven by a man with a foreign sounding name and dark skin.

"Ok, ok, enough already.", replied Brian after the fourth day of continuous erroneous bombing. "I surrender! Just stop killing my neighbors and wasting my tax money."

Filled with an intense desire to inflict justice and an even more intense desire to distract the media from Enron, Ashcroft announced that Voth would be stripped of his citizenship so that he could be tried in a military tribunal.

"He’s guilty. We know he’s guilty. His parents are from Canada for Christ’s sake (Praise be unto him). But if we try him in a normal court he might get off on a technicality, like the fact that there’s no evidence against him, so we have to try him in a military court."

The trial moved swiftly and the prosecution presented loads of Fireaxe lyrics taken out of context and used to demonize the defendant.

"Look at this song, ‘I Am the Destroyer of Dreams’. That’s what terrorists want, to destroy our dreams. He’s a terrorist. Kill him."

Brian was allowed to cross examine but found it difficult with his hands bound and mouth gagged. The jury of three military officers deliberated for an hour and then came back with the verdict. Brian looked dejected at first, but soon had reason to celebrate.

"Not guilty on all counts.", the judge was dumbfounded. The prosecuting attorney watched CNN’s offer to him to host his own talk show go up in smoke. Brian’s eyes lit up, but then he realized that it probably wasn’t over as a civil trial would surely follow in an attempt to convict him of something.

When reached for comment later, the jurors said that they has listened to a few rough cuts off of the upcoming Fireaxe CD "Food for the Gods".

"It was great stuff.", said one. "’Chariot’ is like the most balls out metal battle hymn that I’ve ever heard. I’m going to blast it out of my chopper when I charge into combat."

"Yep, and my Israeli friends are going to go nuts over ‘My Name is Joshua’. It rocks like a beast. That should remind them of what they’re fighting for when they’re doing targeted assassinations and beating up Palestianian refugees. It’s for the glory of God."

An indifferent Brian Voth had this to say, "Those songs are supposed to show how fighting for god just ends up plunging the world deeper into violence and suffering. They’re not supposed to glorify death and encourage war. But then, the whole point of it is that people will use whatever excuse they can to justify atrocities in the name of their god. So I guess I should have expected this."

Britney Spears lifts two Fireaxe songs, does videos, sues Fireaxe

Last month Fireaxe creator, Brian Voth, was sickened when he witnessed the brazen theft of two of his signature songs by perky pop star Britney Spears.

"There I was watching television flipping through the channels and I came across MTV. I was interested in hearing the latest music so I watched it for hours until I realized that they don’t play music videos anymore. So I switched over to MTV2 and caught a glimpse of the latest Britney Spears video. I was stunned when I realized that she was singing and dancing to the chorus of "I Am the Destroyer of Dreams". It made me sick, and that wasn’t just from the fact that I was watching a Britney Spears video."

When asked about why Britney Spears videos are repulsive, Brian had this to say, "I don’t know what it is but when I watch Britney’s semi-erotic dance moves and sugar coated good looks I get both aroused and repulsed at the same time. It’s an awful feeling. I think she ruined my sex drive, like in that movie ‘A Clockwork Orange’ where they showed that guy images of sex and violence and made him feel ill with drugs so that he would puke whenever he got sexual or violent thoughts, only Britney can do it without drugs. She’s so cute it makes you sick, like Jon Benet Ramsey, or that girl from the Pepsi commercials, or that DiCaprio chick from Titanic."

Brian was then told that Leonardo DiCaprio was a man. "Are you sure? For a man he’s awfully, awfully pretty. Anyway, so I’m watching this video and I see Britney singing ‘I am the beast and I’m ready to feast, devour the world piece by piece’ while licking her lips in that kind of ‘I’m innocent but I’m so very naughty’ way and I just about lose my lunch. The song’s supposed to make people think about dreams being illusions that insulate us from the pain of our daily lives, not to make them think about getting a blow job from some skanky broad from Louisiana. And hearing it set to a poppy hip-hop beat was the last straw. No harmony, no powerthrash, just goofy upbeat brain dead techno-spam. It sounded like an unnatural, over-processed, cross-breed of rap and muzak."

Brian was equally alarmed when he saw Britney’s version of "Hounds of Tindalos", "That one got me. I was considering letting her get away with ‘Destroyer’, but when she did ‘Hounds’ it was the last straw. There’s this part in the video where she sings the chorus, ‘They come, in angles, their bodies lofty and sublime’, and a couple of her dancers dressed up like dogs with their tongues hanging out, turn and wiggle their butts in front of the camera. Talk about bitches in heat. I couldn’t take it. I hurled. I spewed. I called Octavio Ramos and he spewed. Frank Belknap Long rose from his grave and he spewed. H.P.Lovecraft returned from Yuggoth and..., well you get the idea. So we all got together did the American thing. No we didn’t bomb them, we did the other American thing, we sued."

But Brian, Octavio, and the entire Lovecraftian circle, many of whom were thought dead, were stunned when they were immediately countersued by Britney’s label. Jive records claimed that Britney wrote the songs originally and that Fireaxe had stolen them from her. Despite the simple fact that the songs had existed on Fireaxe CDs for years, the outcome of the case favored Britney.

"The law is on our side.", said Brian, "But they have a lot more money than we do so we’re pretty much screwed. Can any one of you guys come up with a Shoggoth, a Gug, or an Elder Thing?"

"Sorry, friend," Howard Phillips Lovecraft consoled, "but the stars aren’t right.", and after getting a few curious looks from Frank Belknap Long and Clark Ashton Smith he corrected himself, "Er, I mean we made those things up."

When reached for comment, Britney Spears said, "Um, like, um, what lawsuit? Are you guys talking about that dog thing? That is like so wrong. Those guys belong in jail." Later, when someone informed Britney that the trial in question was about "Hounds of Tindalos" and not the Presa Canario killer dog trial in San Francisco, her reply was, "Oh, um, whatever".

She was then given a statement written by Jive record’s lawyers to read to the press. The statement will not be printed here because it’s the same crap that you’ve all heard before.

The trial was set to begin in mid-April but it was suddenly settled out of court. Rumors abounded regarding strange noises and lights coming out of Jive records headquarters late at night and the discovery of an unidentifiable gooey substance covering the walls and ceiling of their CEO’s office made many wonder if Lovecraft’s minions were at work. But all these things were explained as the aftermath of a wild party. As to the reason the lawsuit was settled, a Jive records spokesman had this to say.

"We’d bought both lawyers, the judge, and half of the people in the jury pool so it was in the bag. Then we noticed that Fireaxe was linked to Al Qaeda and that our headquarters was on the 45th floor. So we settled out of court."

On the Origins of Dark Humor, part 44.

In the first part of this series I showed how the basic human need to laugh at other people’s tragedy is at the root of dark humor.

In the second part of this series I showed how religion is linked to dark humor and proved that God is a sick individual.

In the third through forty-third parts of this series I went on and on ripping on God, insulting everyone’s faith, and in general blaspheming in every way that I could come up with.

In this part of the series, it’s more of the same.

There’s little argument among anthropologists that dark humor’s religious origins can be found in ancient Polynesian culture. For thousands of years the peoples of the Pacific Islands have been throwing virgins into volcanoes to appease the gods. Or at least this is what Westerners had been led to believe. In reality it was their way of cleaning up the gene pool by eliminating unattractive people before they bred. The basic gist of it was that if a person reached a certain age and was still a virgin, it was into the volcano they went. No exceptions, unless it was the chief’s daughter, who they’d usually marry off to some tribe that they were at war with. That way they could both make peace with their rivals and stick them with a few ugly genes in the process.

But of course you can’t just go chucking young people into volcanoes without a good reason, and what better way to justify any depraved practice than by embedding it within your religious tradition. So on the days when the local volcano rumbled, the youths of the village were allowed one last night to try to get it on with anyone who would take them, and, if they failed were promptly given a lava bath the next morning. Of course, it didn’t matter whether a virgin got chucked into the volcano or not as to whether it would erupt, but the local shamans always got a good laugh about how they could get away with anything in God’s name.

Dark humor is present in all ancient human societies and it might surprise you to know that there are many instances of it in the bible. For instance, who could forget the story of Samson. Here’s the story of a raging psychotic with impulse control problems. The authors of the book of Judges have fun with it though, referring to his blind rages as being caused by the "Spirit of the Lord coming mightily upon him". And yes, they did intend the sexual connotations. Samson’s mighty deeds were exaggerated to the point of absurdity. The authors made no attempt at subtlety. Take this famous passage, "With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jawbone of an ass I have slain a thousand men." Pure hilarity. It conjures the most ridiculous visual image. I can see Samson standing on a pile of dead Philistines with other Philistines climbing their way up the mound only to get conked on the head by mighty Samson and his indestructible mandible. One can imagine the old testament authors laughing to themselves as they wrote the story, "Make it a dozen men, he kills a dozen men with a jawbone. (laughs) No, no, a hundred. (more laughter) No, someone might believe that. Better make it a thousand. (laughter, rolling on the floor in convulsions) Only an idiot would believe a thousand!" For millions of Jews, Christians, and Muslims around the world, the joke is on them.

As time went on, both religion and dark humor became more and more sophisticated. The idea of a nunnery for example is a perfect example. Although based very much on the Polynesian model of throwing virgins into a volcano, the Catholic church improved on the idea by sequestering unbecoming young women into what amounted to a brothel for the priesthood. Not all priests can be satisfied by molesting alter boys, and many of them are actually straight, thus women had to be called into service to maintain the priest’s image of being an upstanding celibate member of the community. So do priests and nuns have wild sex orgies in the convents? The answer is no, so don’t apply for confirmation thinking that it will be a non-stop sex-fest. Nuns really believe that they are married to Christ and thus priests have to trick them into believing that they are Jesus in order to get some action. Often this requires that they put on a crown of thorns, nail themselves to a cross, and stumble over to the nearest convent to seduce a nun or two with the overwhelming power of guilt. This is not the most erotic experience in the world, unless you’re into bondage and self mutilation, and so it’s perfect for the typical seminary student.

Make no mistake about it, We are the Butt of God’s Jokes.

I invite all comments good or bad, but be warned that if you say something that I don’t agree with I will flame you publicly and bcc a copy to each member of your family and your loved ones. Heck, I’ll make up lots of nasty stuff about you and send doctored photos to your local paper that you’ll be explaining for the rest of your life. In fact, if you mess with me I’ll spam every e-mail account you open up for the rest of your life. I’ll have the spam printed out and mailed to your home and office. I’ll have them dump tons of junk mail that you don’t want on your doorstep. I’ll have the military rain leafet advertisements for penis enlargement, pyramid schemes, and porn sites on top of you wherever you go. Mark my words, you’ll regret ever hitting the send button for your self righteous hunk of burning stupidity. Of course, if there’s any interest in this becoming a continuing discussion, that’s cool.

Ending Comments

Although it probably goes without saying, don’t take "The Lukewarm Butterknife" seriously. If it offends you then you should probably inject a little Botox into your sense of humor. And while you’re at it, you should probably take life a little less seriously too. The world is too full of people who get easily offended and overreact. And electing people like that to public office isn’t a good thing either.

Brian Voth - Creator of Fireaxe

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