The Lukewarm Butterknife
Fireaxe Newsletter - edition 8.3.1
Apr. 1, 2005
"Profanity is fucking pointless."
Fireaxe Newsletter - edition 8.3.1
Apr. 1, 2005
"Profanity is fucking pointless."
Apr. 1, 2005
"Profanity is fucking pointless."
A big "Hello" to anyone receiving the Lukewarm Butterknife
for the first time. A somewhat smaller but still hearty "hello" to those
receiving it for the second time. A polite and friendly "hi" to those
receiving it for the third time. And for the sake of brevity, all other
readers can extrapolate from the trend. This is the official parody of
the Fireaxe newsletter.
This year Fireaxe opened up a big can of whoopass in a
televised battle of the bands reality show. It was a great opportunity
for unsigned bands to get free exposure, free meaning that the bands
didn't have to pay for the privilege of being humiliated in front of
millions of people, but Fireaxe signed up anyway, believing that a
slim chance of getting some part of "Food for the Gods" played on
national TV was worth the price. Unfortunately, due to the way
that it all turned out it is doubtful that it will ever appear on any
network, so don't be afraid to read all about it in The Lukewarm
Butterknife for fear that you'll spoil the surprise ending. In other
news, Fireaxe has completed a side-project made up of cover tunes.
The difference between the new CD and the usual waste-of-time-and-
money cover collections is that Fireaxe has modernized the songs by
replacing all of the euphemisms with the intended sexual content. As
a bonus feature, Fireaxe has put a link to a sample mp3 at the end of
this newsletter. It's a few Mb, so if you have a slow connection, start
downloading it now and it will be ready for you by the time you finish.
A big "Hello" to anyone receiving the Lukewarm Butterknife for the first time. A somewhat smaller but still hearty "hello" to those receiving it for the second time. A polite and friendly "hi" to those receiving it for the third time. And for the sake of brevity, all other readers can extrapolate from the trend. This is the official parody of the Fireaxe newsletter.
In what came as a major letdown for Fireaxe and hundreds of other unsigned metal bands who participated, the premier of a 52-part series on the brilliant performances, backstage antics, and dreadful auditions during an epic "battle of the bands" competition has been canceled in light of what occurred during the taping of the final episode. In its place ADC, the American Drivel Corporation, will be showing an equally long series titled "Extremist Makeover - White House Edition" where a helter-skelter collection of moderates, intellectuals, and good old fashioned conservatives are shot out of the Washington saddle and replaced by individuals who, despite being lunatics, have beliefs which are far more trendy, fashionable, and uniform than their predecessors.
"Man, this sucks.", replied one of many disappointed metal fans after hearing about the cancellation. The second fan interviewed said the same thing, as did the third, fourth, and fifth. That sentiment was almost uniform with the exception of the vocal "This is bullshit!" minority which soon died down because metal fans are all too used to being screwed by the man.
This reporter managed to get an exclusive interview with Fireaxe creator, Brian Voth, the day after the show's cancellation. Despite some sort of legal intellectual property thing that was supposed to prevent him from discussing anything that happened just in case the network wanted to air any part of it later, Brian revealed all of the sordid details.
Phil: Hi, Brian. I'm Phil R. Prose of Backstage Skank magazine and I was wondering if you could tell me anything about "Who wants to be an American Metal Garage Idol Survivor?"
Brian: Technically no, but given how badly the network screwed everything up I have no intention of making good on that agreement. I mean, take a good look at me. This is their fault.
Phil: Yeah I was wondering about the stitches, bandages, cast, and crutches. Are you saying that what happened to you was the fault of ADC?
Brian: (nodding bitterly) Yeah, them and the record label. At first the show was pretty much just like American Idol except with unsigned metal bands, but when the pilot got horrible reviews from their test audience they decided to mix in some gimmicks from other shows to make it more exciting.
Phil: You mean like "Fear Factor?"
Brian: No, more like "Ultimate Fighter" and "American Gladiators." The last thing that I expected when I signed up for a battle of the bands was an actual battle of the bands.
Phil: Are you serious?
Brian: Yeah, and so were the producers, those sons-of-bitches. I remember going out for my first match and seeing that the stage had been replaced with a steel cage. I didn't think much of it, you know, just another cheesy gimmick that the network execs thought up to titillate the audience. Anyway, so I get in there, fire up the drum machine and start singing "Guardian of the Realm" since it seemed particularly appropriate for the scene. Then in comes my competition, a six man Death Metal band named "Necrotic Bowel". When the announcer called out that the battle wouldn't be over until one band surrendered or had been knocked unconscious I knew that I was in trouble.
Phil: Holy shit! Didn't everyone drop out when they found out what they had to do?
Brian: Uh, you don't know how bad some of those guys wanted a recording contract, and a world tour I might add.
Phil: Woah, so that was the prize. Which label was giving it out?
Brian: "We'll Sue Your Ass Fo' Sho' So Don't Even Think About It" records, I believe. They were sponsoring everything and made us sign these contracts that went on endlessly. The legalese was so thick that none of us knew what we were getting into until we stepped into the cage.
Phil: That's Bullshit!
Brian: You said it. It was like somebody combined WWF's Monday Night RAW with the Headbangers Ball, only the fighting wasn't fake and Ricky Rachtman was nowhere in sight.
Phil: WWF? Don't you mean WWE? They had to change their name after the World Wildlife Fund sued them.
Brian: Wait, you mean that a Wildlife group made a wrestling organization their bitch? Now that's funny.
Phil: Yeah. (laughs) So, I'm dying to know, what happened in the cage?
Brian: Well, the lead singer grunted something at me that I couldn't make out, probably something like "I'm going to eat your corpse", and then charged straight at me holding his mike stand like a lance. I ducked and swung my drum machine at him as hard as I could and ended up hitting him square in the nuts. He doubled over, fell down, and then just lay there groaning in agony.
Phil: Wait, that was a legal move?
Brian: In the first match, yeah. That was before they had all of the rules worked out. Not surprisingly, the other members of "Necrotic Bowel" lost their will to continue and surrendered immediately. So I ended up winning. After that match they put in the "Fireaxe rule" that forbade a whole lot of dirty tactics. But by then I was into the second round.
Phil: What happened to the singer for Necrotic Bowel? Is he okay.
Brian: He recovered, but he can't singing Death Metal anymore. His low end is completely gone. Last I heard he was doing Michael Jackson covers.
Phil: So how far did you get, and who won?
Brian: After the first match I didn't care. I just wanted out.
Phil: But you did so well, were you scared?
Brian: Dude, Fireaxe is one guy with a drum machine and an old Macintosh. How am I supposed to hold off four, five, even six guys armed with guitars, amps, and 64-channel mixing boards? But I couldn't get out. The contract didn't have an exit clause. I had to keep fighting until I lost or won it all. And when other bands started surrendering quickly when the odds started to look bad for them, they took that option out too. The networks wanted a bloodbath, and you had to go along or you'd end up broke or in federal prison.
Phil: That sucks.
Brian: No shit.
Phil: Well, we didn't see any of that in the promos. They just promised a "real" no holds barred battle of the bands and showed the cage with a crowd chanting loudly in the background. They also showed a whole lot of babes going backstage to meet with the bands and promised that those clips were going to make "Girls Gone Wild" look like a bunch of nuns on Valium. I'm curious, how did that stuff really turn out?
Brian: The backstage stuff was all pretty casual the first few days. One stoned girl took her top off and that was about it. Then the record execs came in and they were really pissed off. They wanted to film all the stuff that they'd heard about from former Van Halen roadies and told us to get drunk and party like it was spring break at Daytona Beach. Well, we told them to go fuck themselves which made them even more pissed. So they got together and hatched this plan.
Phil: A plan? They found away to make you get crazy?
Brian: Yeah. Now, I don't have any proof of this but the next day the catered food smelled a little strange to me and so I didn't have any. I also noticed that the delivery truck was from a different company, "Foot Long Foods", who served a lot of hot dogs and kielbasa. Well, I looked them up and it turned out that they were owned by Pfizer, the guys who make Viagra. Now, I don't know for sure that the food was spiked, but a few hours later the Green Room looked like a freaking Roman orgy.
Phil: No way.
Brian: Yeah. And I wouldn't be surprised if they slipped some Ecstasy in the food too. It got pretty bad back there.
Phil: Don't you mean 'bad' in a good way? You got a lot of action too, right?
Brian: You don't know me very well do you? (See Lukewarm Butterknife volume 6.3.1 for details) Even whacked out on Viagra and X the girls didn't want any part of me. Well, a pair of twins did stop by the Fireaxe dressing room but it turned out that they wanted to do a three-way with my drum machine.
Phil: (laughs) Oh, man. That's bad.
Brian: Yeah, it did wonders for my self-esteem. And I had to get a new Roland too. The old one ended up getting really…nasty.
Phil: (laughs again) Okay, but you didn't answer my question. How far did you get and who won the contract?
Brian: You might not believe this, but Fireaxe was in the final match.
Phil: No way. How?
Brian: Oh, a little of this and a little of that. The thing with the drum machine intimidated a lot of guys even with the "Fireaxe rule" in place until bands started wearing metal cod pieces. After that I psyched one band out by convincing them that cancer was contagious and showing them my scar.
Phil: (laughs) Are you serious? That worked?
Brian: Well, we're musicians. And although we sing and play about violence and death, in reality we're just mild-mannered kids who got picked on a little more than most when we were young. We abhor violence, but we've got a lot of pent-up aggression, so we use metal as a release, not fisticuffs. So a lot of the guys were just looking for a good excuse to get out and that made it a lot easier for me, at least up until they started forcing us to fight.
Phil: What was the most outrageous thing that you did to win?
Brian: Well, for a few rounds I was allowed to customize my drum machine with weapons and saw blades. It ended up looked like a bizarre combination of Mechagodzilla and Blackie Lawless and no one wanted to get anywhere near it. But by the time I reached the final the show's producers rigged the rules against me. They ended up ruling out the Blackie-Bot and everything else that I could do or use except for a single microphone. Although the robot was good for the ratings, they didn't want to see me win. I'm not the kind of guy any record company would want to award a contract.
Phil: Wow. So what did you end up doing?
Brian: I knew that I was in trouble. The other band in the final was an extreme metal/rap crossover group named the GuantanaMoFos.
Phil: Woah, I've seen those guys. Aren't they all like, ripped, and go gang banging after their gigs?
Brian: That's what we'd heard too, if you can believe the hype. Still, no one wanted to mess with them, and anyone who did ended up regretting it.
Phil: And you messed with them?
Brian: I did. But I made a bootleg tape of the final battle because I wanted to have something that I could play in court as evidence in case I wanted to sue the bastards who created the show. I also figured that I could make a lot of money selling copies of it over the internet if the lawsuit ended up getting thrown out of court. Anyway, you're the only person who's ever seen this outside of people in the studio.
Then Brian showed me the final match on DVD. The video was kind of far away and the audio was a little fuzzy, but everything that he'd said about the show was true. I was shocked. The floor of the cage had blood stains all over it and Brian told me that those stains weren't just painted on.
"It was brutal. If you treat people like animals, they become animals. Guys were smashing each other over the head with guitars and choking each other with audio cables.", Brian told me as he shook his head. "But hey, a lot of those guys work at Guitar Center or McDonalds for minimum wage, so I really can't blame them for doing anything to get a shot at the big time."
Then I saw Brian enter the cage, followed by almost a dozen of the biggest, meanest, and baddest white, black, and Hispanic dudes that I had ever seen. Their muscles bulged and the veins stood out on their necks when they shouted at the cameras. They were so tough that even their tattoos had tattoos. And there was Brian. At 5' 8" and 140 pounds he looked like a little kid next to them. I figured that he was doomed for sure.
The announcers called out this was the final match and that there would be no rules. The match could only end when one side could no longer fight. The applause/scream track erupted from some offstage loudspeakers and I realized that there was no live audience. The show's producers wanted to control everything. Slowly the screams faded into loud rhythmic chanting, "MoFos! MoFos! MoFos!". It looked bad.
Then something strange happened. Brian calmly announced that he wasn't going to fight.
The producer gave the signal and the boo track began to play, growing in volume and covering the voice of a lawyer offstage shouting at Brian that he had to fight or else he'd get sent to San Quentin for at least ten years for breach of contract. Inside the cage the MoFos were trying to goad Brian into fighting but the singer/guitarist seemed committed to his cause.
"This show is a travesty and everyone who has anything to do with it ought to be ashamed of themselves.", Brian shouted into his microphone. "The only reason that I'm here in this final match, the only reason that I fought so hard to get here, is because this show is an abomination. And I knew that the only thing that I could do that would put a stop to it is to get all the way to the final and not fight, thereby fucking the entire thing up."
I could see the producers up in the sound booth were going crazy and shouting at each other. The chorus of boos got played even louder and the MoFos started taunting Fireaxe, calling him things that he didn't understand because he wasn't down with the latest street lingo. The lawyer offstage was screaming at him that he'd get a life sentence but Brian stood his ground, bound and determined to deal the death blow to the show. Then one of the MoFos said something that seemed to set him off.
"Here's where it is.", Brian pointed out as we watched the DVD. "One of the MoFos calls me a coward. I couldn't let that go unanswered. Watch what happens next. This is the good part."
That's when Brian's small frame sprang to life with such a fury that a number of the GuantanaMoFos actually jumped backwards. "Coward? Coward?!", Brian shouted into his microphone. "I shove my fist into the face of an excessively litigious record company and a shameless major television network and you call me a coward?!"
Surprised by Brian's tone the MoFos stood there stunned.
"There's a really good reason why I have no desire to fight you guys. You know what that is? It's because beating you means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing.", Brian explained as one of the MoFos scoffed. "What do I get if I somehow manage to kick all of your asses? A rush of testosterone? Street cred? A big-time record deal? Some pussy maybe?"
"Meaningless bullshit!", Brian shouted as he started to get on a roll.
"The number of guys that someone has beaten up is a piss- poor measure of a man or his character.", he said with eyes wide open and blazing. "And I'm not talking about how rich he is either, making money doesn't mean shit. But then, we're all going to find that out soon enough."
"There was once a time when principles, and standing by them meant something.", Brian said, then he stopped himself from waxing nostalgic. "Well, maybe there was. I don't know personally. I've only been alive for a few decades. Maybe we've always fucked each other over for a dollar, or slept around and lied about it to those we loved, or used force to take something just because we could, but it seems a lot worse now than it has at any time that I can remember. And don't give me that crap about how it's all because we've lost sight of some god because the true believers are some of the greediest and most violent bastards on the face of the earth."
The commotion both inside and outside the cage began to die down as Brian stepped into his rant.
"Do you want to know who the real cowards are? Do you?" Brian asked rhetorically. "It's not easy to tell because its not always the guys who back away from a fight. Sometimes the people who back down are the bravest ones of all. No, the biggest cowards in the world are the cowards who are running this country. That's what I said. The president of the United States, his cabinet, the house, the senate, and every one of the toady journalists, columnists, and activists out there who support all the bullshit that my country is doing."
"Now I'm not talking about the cowardice of pretending to be a fighter pilot when in reality you got your daddy to bail you out when it was your turn to serve your country. And I'm not talking about hiding out in an 'undisclosed location' and sending the kids of the lower classes off to war while you taunt your opponents for hiding out in caves and sending other men off to be martyrs. And I'm not talking about lying to everyone about the costs and reasons for a war because they were afraid that the American people would say no.", Fireaxe's vocalist said in the harsh tone that he used to such great effect on 'Food for the Gods'. "I'm talking about primal fear. The fear of death. The fear that somewhere out there, there's a 747 with your name on it and a Muslim pilot inside who's ready to shove it down your throat in the name of Allah."
"You know what changed on September 11th? Yeah, the United States got attacked big time, relatively speaking.", Brian said, emphasizing the last two words and alluding to the fact that the attack had been blown way out of proportion by hysterical politicians and journalists. "But what really changed was that for the first time in our history the cushion-chaired leaders who thought that they were far away from the battlefield all of the sudden saw their insulated little world shattered. They found themselves in the middle of a war zone and they didn't like that one bit!", Brian shouted into the mike, working himself up into a fervor. "I wonder how many of those cowards on capitol hill pissed their pants that day."
"Now, we all know that commanders need to be cool under fire, but when our dear leader was hit with the news that the country was under attack the idiot just sat there shell shocked!", Brian yelled as one of the MoFos smiled and mouthed the words 'My Pet Goat'. "Then, after days of ducking and hiding he comes out clinging to his god's leg like a hard-up schnauzer and promising to 'rid the world of evil'. Evil. Right. Evil as he sees it in his fear-crazed mind. If you're a terrorist, you're evil. And if you harbor or support terrorists, you're evil. And if you're not with us, you're with the evil terrorists. And the definition got broader and broader as bombs fell on hospitals, essential supplies, and even news stations. Defending your home town became evil, protesting the occupation became evil, even being in the wrong place at the wrong time became evil as innocent victims filled the morgues. Was that a Measured response? Hardly. It more resembled a spoiled little rich kid throwing a two-hundred billion dollar temper tantrum."
"No surprise there.", Brian added as he caught his breath.
"Have you ever taken your dog to the vet?", Brian began with what seemed like a non-sequitur. "You know how he starts barking and growling and biting at everyone who comes near him, even you. Well, that's not because he's a bad dog. And it's not because you didn't train him right. It's because he's scared. He's lashing out because he's scared that something bad is going to happen. Well, veterinarians have a name for that. It's called 'fear aggression'. And they have a name for it because they see it a lot in mild mannered animals that are scared out of their wits."
"Fear aggression. There's no better term for the post 9-11 reaction of the leaders of the United States.", Fireaxe's creator said, speaking slowly to underline his point. "They are scared shitless and they are lashing out at anyone who they think could be a threat. That's why they see weapons of mass destruction where there are none. That's why they see terrorist groups with global reach lurking behind every Arab government. That's why the bombs are still dropping a full three and a half years after the act that started this whole mess and why they will still be dropping for three and a half more years. Fear. Paranoia. Cowardice. Those are the real forces behind that Cowboy swagger and stupid smirk. Any asshole can act tough when he has the strongest military in the world under his command, but it doesn't make him brave."
"Speaking of the military, I think that our troops are doing a kick-ass job in Iraq and Afghanistan.", Brian started with what seemed like another non-sequitur. "Not all of them, of course. A few of them are whack jobs. But when I see U.S. soldiers out there risking their lives, and not just when fighting insurgents, but when they go the extra mile to make sure that Iraqis are given the respect that they deserve, it makes me proud to be an American. They're out there trying to rebuild Iraq, unlike those war profiteering criminals at Halliburton. And I admire those soldiers who are trying to make life better for the Iraqis, even when they are only hated in return. You see, the troops on the ground get it. They know the right way to spread democracy. You lead by example. Those kids are risking their lives so that someone else has a shot at democracy and human rights. The soldiers get it, but do our leaders get it? Fuck no. Our leaders are betraying the military, they're betraying the Iraqis, and they're betraying our country."
"Instead of building a democracy, our leaders are trying to subvert democracy in Iraq by installing a client government where the United States has veto power inside every ministry. They're also trying to put a former CIA asset in charge of the country since that strategy worked so well in Afghanistan. When Russia pulls crap like that, our leaders howl about totalitarianism and rigged elections, but somehow it's okay when we do it. But it doesn't stop there. U.S. and British corporations were allowed to take over every commercial industry in Iraq and were given the power to transfer all the profits made there back home. The appointed interim government even squashed fledgling Iraqi companies and silenced newspapers who were critical of their policies.", Brian said, pointing out things that aren't well known but should be. "That is not democracy. Democracy is having control over your own country, not simply getting to choose which leader sells you out to foreigners. We didn't fight a war, we performed a hostile takeover for corporate interests."
"And there's no greater betrayal of human rights than how our leaders condone and promote torture. They had their lawyers find what they claim are loopholes in American and international law that let them destroy any semblance of justice and due process. And then, when the truth comes out, there is no transparency and no accountability. Who gets blamed? The grunts. The ones who have no one underneath them who they can scapegoat.", Brian said, building towards his point "Did we torture anyone during World War Two? No. Is the difference that back then our enemies weren't such a big threat? No. The difference is that today our leaders are such big cowards. When you don't take a stand against torture isn't just cowardice, it's moral cowardice. That is what we get from these leaders who claim to follow Jesus? They aren't Christians, they are hypocrites and Pharisees."
"In the past we had leaders who actually defended the principles our country was founded upon. Risking one's life to defend freedom, justice, and human rights is the duty of every American.", Brian said angrily. "Our soldiers in the field get it. Our commander- in-chief doesn't."
A couple of the MoFos who had friends and family in Iraq nodded their heads in agreement.
"And what of our rights in this country? What has happened to them? While our soldiers are risking their lives so that Iraqis and Afghanis can have rights, our leaders are too cowardly to do the same for us. They feel at risk, so they take away our freedoms to save their asses. That's why the FBI can search your home for any reason and doesn't have to tell you about it. That's why American citizens can be dubbed 'enemy combatants' and get whisked away to some country where we turn a deaf ear to their screams. That's why you might find yourself fenced in like an animal in a 'free-speech zone' far away from where your protest might be seen by others.", Brian continued. "It's as if our leaders are saying, 'to hell with the Bill of Rights, my life's in danger, and that's far more important'. Didn't these cowards take an oath to defend the constitution? Did they think that it meant that all that they had to do was defend the document itself? We've got the wrong people running the country, and by that I don't just mean the Republicans, I mean the so-called representatives of both political parties."
"No, a brave leader wouldn't resort to police state tactics in such a minor crisis. A brave leader would hunt down our enemies and only our enemies, and I'm not talking about Saddam or the Taliban or any of those other bastards, I'm talking about Al Qaeda. He would hunt them down using the CIA and covert ops first, and then use American troops instead of mercenaries, and only if they were needed. Someone tell Dr. StrangeBush that then you do surgery you use a scalpel, not a fucking chain saw. And at the same time a brave leader would force a fair settlement between the Israelis and Palestinians, close down the unnecessary military base in Riyadh, and stop doing all the other things that give Islamic fundamentalists the power to win the sympathy and support of Muslims across the world. Our policies are wrong and it takes courage to admit that to the world. It takes balls to admit that you've made a mistake and it's too bad that we don't have a leader who's got a pair.", Brian said with fire in his eyes. "A brave leader wouldn't eat out of a trough filled with endless campaign contributions and bend over to their will. A brave leader would point his figure at big corporations and demand that they clean up their act or else he'd feed their corpses to small business owners. He'd tell everyone that it's okay to be rich not if you had to rob the poor and cheat the middle class to get that way. He'd take on corruption in every level of our country's leadership instead of pretending that it didn't exist while making it worse. And a brave leader wouldn't tell us that our biggest economic worry is our social security crisis in 2042 when our debt burden, our insatiable consumption, and accelerating job outsourcing have doomed our country's future for at least the next decade. Instead of brave leaders we have cowards who hide the truth while their campaign contributors rob us blind."
"And how about these cowards up in this booth?", Brian said, turning and pointing at the producers of the show. "Exploiting, manipulating, and humiliating young people whose only crime was to dream of being a rock star. Yeah, you have the money, and we need it, but why should we have to suck your fucking dicks to get any of it?", Brian said, glaring into the eyes of the lead producer. "And why do you have to hide behind all this bullshit? Why do you have to hide behind all this sex and violence and cut-throat competition? Are you afraid to show things how they really are? Metalheads aren't warlords, we're quiet, geeky outcasts. And most of us musicians grew up in the 'burbs, not the 'hood. But that wouldn't make for a good show would it? Your market share might drop wouldn't it? Are you such ratings whores that you have to pervert reality to such a ridiculous degree that it is barely recognizable just so that you can charge your advertisers a few dollars more for their spots?"
"Don't bother answering. I know what you're going to say.", Brian said, lowering his voice. "You're all just 'doing your jobs'. Don't ask if it's unethical, just do your jobs. Isn't that what all those Nazis said at the Nuremburg trials when they were asked about the gas chambers? Yeah, that was their defense. They said that they were just 'following orders'."
"Well, fuck orders.", Brian concluded as he lowered his mike. Total silence spread through the studio as the impact of the speech began to sink in. After a long wait the leader of the GuantanaMoFos came up to Brian.
"You know, just between you and me, I agree with most of the shit you just said.", the young tough said. "We don't need their stinking contract. We're doing just fine with what we've got. And we aren't scared of going to jail either. But Devon here, he can't afford it. He's stayed clean and put his life back together, but if he gets sent back it's going to be his third strike. And that shit's for life."
Brian thought about that for a long time, then he replied, "Then we'll fulfill our contracts, but we'll give them nothing that they can show on the air."
The lead tough smiled. "Respect.", he replied. "But I don't want to hurt you, man."
"You will though.", Brian answered with a smile. "Because I don't go down without a fight."
Brian showed me the rest of the DVD. He was squaring off against the lead rapper of the MoFos but I couldn't make anything out because the others had formed a circle around them, blocking all the action from the cameras.
"He kicked my ass.", Brian said, pointing at the screen with bruised fingers. "He totally beat the hell out of me, but that was because I got in a few good shots of my own and pissed him off. When it was over we'd fulfilled our contracts to the letter, but those executive bastards are still after us. It's cool though. The MoFos drummer's father runs a law firm and he said they were going to, quote, 'sue ADC and the record company until their lawyers bleed', unquote."
"Their drummer is the son of a lawyer?", I replied. "Woah."
"Yeah, well, there's image and there's reality.", Brian replied. "And maybe one day the two will meet."
In a surprise announcement this week, Fireaxe is about to release a new CD made up entirely of cover tunes from the 60s, 70s, and 80's. The CD, titled "Fireaxe Uncensored Classic Kuts", is said to be a collection of songs that contain numerous sexual euphemisms which Fireaxe felt needed to be updated for modern audiences.
"Back in the sixties, seventies, and even the eighties, bands didn't have as much freedom of expression as they do now.", Fireaxe spokesperson Brian Voth told the crowd at the release ceremony. The censors were a lot stricter then and musicians couldn't get away with very much. Profanity was out, explicit sex was out, it was like the recording industry was in the Dark Ages."
"Of course, today, just about anything goes.", Brian continued. "In fact, having a 'Parental Advisory' label gives a CD extra sales, so there's incentive for bands to be as crude as they can be."
"But back then artists had to be clever to get around the censors, and one of those ways was to use sexual euphemisms.", Brian explained. "That was good for that era, but the trouble is that today you don't need to go to all that trouble. You can just say exactly what you mean. Which means that the older recordings can't measure up to the new ones. Well, what I mean is that musically they're still strong, but lyrically they sound rather…naïve."
"What exactly do you mean by naive?", asked one reporter.
"Could you give us an example?", asked another.
"Sure.", Brian replied. "You know that old Blues Brothers hit 'Gimme Some Lovin'?"
The crowd nodded.
"Well, they aren't talking about lovin' in the romantic sense.", Brian explained. "I mean, they aren't telling a woman that they want to be held and cuddled and kissed or anything like that. They're saying that they want to screw. Think about it. The lyrics go, 'Let me in baby, I don't know what you've got.' Now what does he mean by that? Does he mean that he wants IN to her apartment so that he can see how she decorated it? I don't think so. What he really means is that he wants her to let him put his dick INside her, and he doesn't know what she's got because he's never had sex with her before."
"So, how does it sound when Fireaxe plays it?", asked a reporter.
"The title was changed to 'Gimme Some Pussy', and the lyrics are a lot more explicit.", Brian replied. "And lines like, 'It's been a HARD day and I don't know what to do' are replaced with more explicit references. It's not the day that's hard when Fireaxe sings it."
"Are there going to be any musical samples available like when you released 'Food for the Gods'?", asked one reporter.
"Yeah, I'm glad that you asked that. Fireaxe played a sneak preview of Led Zeppelin's 'Whole Lotta Love' at a local radio station to promote the new CD.", Brian answered. "We made a recording of that session and put it up on the Fireaxe website as an mp3."
"Won't Kali be upset with you for delaying the recording of 'Eternal Devotion to the Dark Goddess' so that you could release a CD full of covers?", asked a reporter.
"Uhhh…", Brian replied nervously as he moved away from the podium. "No comment. And I have to leave now. Bye."
Thanks for reading my lengthy and self-righteously indulgent rant about how I feel that my government and my country's other leaders are cowards. I felt that those were things that needed to be said. Also, thanks for downloading and listening to the first audio supplement to the Lukewarm Butterknife. I felt that those lyrics were things that probably shouldn't have been said, which is what makes them so funny. And if you haven't downloaded the sample, shame on you. It's hilarious and well worth the time you spend downloading it. Sure, it's a little bit crude, well, a lot crude, but it makes a statement. I'm just not sure what that statement is.Brian Voth - Creator of Fireaxe
Lastly, I don't know how long I can keep that mp3 up on the Fireaxe website due to disk space and bandwidth limitations. However, if anyone wants to spread it around to any other place that hosts and distributes mp3s feel free to do so. I don't need to receive any credits for it, those things are embedded in the recording. Plus, I can always deny recording it if I get in trouble for some reason. I'm not sure that Robert Plant would approve…
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