The Lukewarm Butterknife

Fireaxe Newsletter - edition 9.3.1

Apr. 1, 2006

"Let us review. Heavy Metal in your music collections,
good. Heavy metals in your safe deposit box, good. Heavy
metals in your food, water, and bloodstream, bad, very, very
bad. Now, it would seem to be reasonable to retaliate against
those who put heavy metals into our bodies by putting some
heavy metals into theirs but I'm told that this is illegal, unless
of course you're the vice-president."
- a KTLB special report on the real dangers of Heavy Metal

Fireaxe shattered commercial radio's glass ceiling and stampeded through the payola patio this year by finding a new way to get music from "Food for the Gods" and other Fireaxe CDs played on the airwaves. The trick? Fireaxe founder Brian Voth became a radio talk show host. After being bitten by a rabid wombat and forcibly deprived of balanced news sources for a month, which is the industry standard procedure for training new pundits, Brian was ready for his first broadcast. Reproduced here in "The Lukewarm Butterknife" is the transcript from his first show. Play the music as you're reading if you want a more complete experience.

A big "Hello" to anyone receiving the Lukewarm Butterknife for the first time. If your "Hello" feels to be too big after a close self- examination, or you are having trouble issuing a big "Hello" to your friends and family and it is causing embarrassment, you might be suffering from EGS, or "Enlarged Greeting Syndrome". Please contact your doctor, but instead of asking him his opinion about your condition, immediately demand that he prescribe U-Rapture, the latest drug available from Pfireaxe. Free yourself from the dreadful embarrassment of EGS with U-Rapture, the natural way to better health. Warning, side effects of U-Rapture may include dizziness, nausea, hearing loss, sudden loss of interest in popular music, heart palpitations, 'air-guitar' style epilepsy, high blood pressure, atheism, and violent outbursts (from parents and neighbors). Repeated exposure can result in partial or complete immunity to bullshit. Increase the dosage as necessary. Gods should not take U-Rapture as it is known to cause spontaneous divine combustion. As you may have guessed, this is the official parody of the Fireaxe newsletter.

"Secrets man was not meant to know" - Transcript of the first KTLB show

Musical Interlude: "I wish that someone would come along and set things right." (Church organ plays loudly in the background, fades into…)

Brian: Welcome to KTLB. I'm your host Brian Voth and this week, like every other week and every other radio talk show host, I AM OUTRAGED!

Paid Sycophant: What's this week's outrage, Brian?

Brian: Excuse me, I was pausing for dramatic effect. That's one of those talk radio tricks, it's called the "Paul Harvey Pause"…

Paid Sycophant: Oh, sorry.

Brian: That was another one…

Paid Sycophant: Damn. Oh, was that…?

Brian: Yes. And you know what that means.

Sound Effects: "You're Fired!" - spoken by Donald "The Donald" Trump followed by the whining of a young man insulting the egotist's ridiculous hairdo.

Brian: And if you're new to the show, yes, we really did fire him. That's our shtick and we're shticking to it. Anyway, as I was saying, the "Paul Harvey pause" is used to focus the audience's attention on what you're saying, thus adding tension and interest to a story that in reality is either pretty mundane or outright boring. And that…

(Radio silence - aren't you dying to know what he's going to say next?)

Brian: …is the rest…

(Radio silence - aren't you just dripping with anticipation?)

Brian …of that crap. Another trick that we use here in the radio biz are voice effects to make my voice sound deep and rich. That gives it an authoritative tone that people will unquestioningly believe no matter what kind of gibberish comes out of my mouth. It's simple, but it works. Honest. I'll demonstrate by browbeating the next caller like your typical right wing wacko. And I'll use another trick known as "focusing in on something where I'm undeniably right no matter what the argument is really about". Ready? Okay. First caller. Hello, you are on the air with Fireaxe.

Caller number 1: Hello, Brian? I was looking for some mp3s…

Brian: You mean stealing. That's what that is. Stealing food from out of the mouths of starving artists and bankrupt record executives. Stealing is what you were doing. Oh, but it's all just harmless fun to you isn't it? You're not breaking the law, you're sticking it to the man. Right, sticking it to your favorite bands is more like it. How do you expect them to keep making music if you steal it from them?

Caller Number 1: Uh, don't the record companies screw the artists anyway, no matter what sales are like?

Brian: No, no, no! You're wrong! You're a liar and you're a thief. You're no better than a shoplifter or a former Bush policy advisor. Just tell me one thing, just one thing, are you paying for the songs that you download?

Caller Number 1: Well, I…


Caller Number 1: Um, no, but…

Brian: So there. You admit it. You're a thief. I win. Ha ha ha.

Caller Number 1: But I was looking for Fireaxe mp3s. Aren't those free?

Brian: Hang up on him! Hang up on him! (Brian's voice can be heard in the background) Look, when I've won the argument, cut the caller off. Do you understand me? When I say "I win" I've won. How do you expect me to be a pundit if…wait, are we still on? Cut! Cut!

(Commercial break)

Musical Interlude: "The Failures of the Fathers! The lies of the priests. The Failures of the Fathers! Betrayals of the leaders…"

Brian: Okay, we're back. As I was saying before we experienced some technical difficulties, there are a lot of these little things that work wonders for your credibility that anyone can learn. Simple speaking techniques like voice roll and rhythm can turn you from just another opinionated whiner into a charismatic ideologue with a cult following. Just watch the "Colbert Report" and you'll get the idea.

Paid Silly Broad: Woohoo! Colbert is way hot! I would so do him.

Brian: Ahem. Miss, that's not nearly loose enough. You're a woman on a talk radio show targeted at guys. Now ditch the self-respect and try again.

Paid Silly Broad: I mean, I'd love to go all Monica Lewinsky on him. He can stain my dress any time.

Brian: Much better. Let's go to the next caller. Hello, you are on the air with Fireaxe.

Caller Number 2: Hey, Fireaxe dude! I've been reading a lot about conspiracy theories on the internet and I was wanting to know what you thought about the one about how Israel and AIPAC are controlling congress and making us fight for their interests.

Brian: Good question. You know, with the advent of the internet a lot of people are getting exposed to all sorts of conspiracy theories and many of them can seem very reasonable provided you don't go to any sites which hold contrary views. Now in this case there's no doubt that AIPAC is a powerful pro-Israeli lobbying group which had several spies as members who were caught stealing highly classified documents. And it's true that AIPAC appears to exert substantial influence over a rather large number of senators and representatives. And also, it does seem like current U.S. policy is completely supportive of Israel while public opinion is somewhat less so. Therefore, as the case goes, Israel controls the U.S.

Caller Number 2: Yeah, that's what I was thinking when…

Brian: Now what have I been talking about with the "Paul Harvey pause"? This is my radio show and I get to talk as much as I like and about whatever I want to and cut anybody off whenever I want to as long as my ratings stay high. Those are the rules. Now, understand that I'm not picking on you. One of the techniques of being a radio talk show pundit is that on the air I always have to be in charge and that means showing people who's boss. My job is to make you look stupid. That's how I look smart and in control, see?. In other words, I get paid to be an asshole.

Caller Number 2: Well, you're doing a good job.

Brian: Thanks. Now here's where you're being a tin foil hat wearing lunatic. First of all, it's not a conspiracy theory, it's all out in the open. Second, it's not just Israel buying votes, it's corporations, privately funded groups, foreign governments, basically anyone with a lot of money. U.S. taxpayers cough up two and a half trillion dollars every year and everyone on the face of the earth wants a piece of that action. It isn't just AIPAC, which pries three billion dollars a year out of taxpayers' hands and gives it to Israel, it's hundreds of lobbyists all bribing government officials and trying to get similar "returns" on their "investments". Now, what usually happens is that everybody gets what they want, except the American people of course. I mean, congress has already got our money so why do they need to please us? Are we going to stop paying taxes? Ha, just try it. But that's how it works, everyone else gets what they want, which is usually more than the budget allows, so our noble leaders just borrow hundreds of billions more, pay off all their "campaign contributors", vote themselves pay raises, and pat themselves on the back for what a great job they're doing.

Paid Silly Broad: You are so right. Congress is a bunch of weasels. Everyone except the guy from my district. He's okay. The rest are losers.

Brian: Exactly. That's what everyone thinks because our congressmen love to get out in front of reporters and talk about how outraged they are, you know, they pretend that they're Jimmy Stewart in "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington". They say that they're fighting the good fight and how everyone else is a corrupt bastard, and so when we see our guy on television we say, "Give 'em hell!", but when they go back to work, it's just sleaze as usual. Check their voting records and you'll see the truth. It’s all about pork, payback, and partisan politics. It's a scam. But it really doesn't matter what we think of them. They don't care. You see, these congress-scum are allowed to draw their own districts, or at least their fellow party loyalists do. Yeah, you heard that right, our "elected officials" get to decide who gets to vote for them. Honest. Now if they're really bold, they can do what the Republicans did in Texas, which is where they redraw the districts in such a way that one party gains a lot of seats in congress. That's called gerrymandering and it's supposed to be illegal, but the only thing that happens is that it makes the other party really mad. So what both parties usually do is compromise. They redraw the districts so that about half of them are heavily pro-democrat and the other half are heavily pro-republican. What that means is that each member of congress runs basically unopposed in their district year after year. And third parties? They don't have a prayer of winning. That's why our "professional" representatives get re-elected at a rate in the high ninety percents. Think about it. If you don't like your congressman who are you going to vote for? The guy from the other party? Hardly. You have no real choice. And the wheels of campaign finance make the point all but moot. You have one guy representing the party of most of the district with name recognition and oodles of cash running against someone from the minority party with no name and no money. About the only way that someone can lose their seat is if they get caught in a scandal, and even then he will usually just be replaced with another candidate hand-picked by the ruling party of the disgraced politician. We need to face the facts that our democracy is broken.

Caller Number 2: Woah, dude. I was going to ask you about the voting machines too.

Brian: They're easily rigged, that much is clear, but they're not the big issue, so let me answer your first question completely. The force controlling our government isn't AIPAC or lobbyists or scumbag campaign managers. The force that's running out of control in our government and pretty much everywhere else is greedy people. Now, I'm not talking about a few obvious examples, I'm talking about just about everybody. Everyone wants more than they already have. The rich want to be richer, the powerful want more power, and everybody else wants a bigger piece of the action. Enough just isn't enough. And a lot of people feel that it isn't enough that they succeed, but that others must fail too. Everything becomes a battleground and politics is where a lot of those battles are fought. Now, these days the rich and the powerful are well represented by both parties, and they're been winning handily. I'll explain how. We all know that war is a great way to stick it to the poor and the middle classed. Wars are treated as big emergencies and all the programs that would normally benefit the rest of us have to be put on hold while huge amounts of cash are shoveled into the bank accounts of people connected to the military industrial complex. Again, this isn't a conspiracy theory, it's all out in the open. Look at our history. We fight war after war after war, non-stop, and military spending is through the roof. Furthermore, the poor end up fighting the war since they have no other way to earn a living, which is adding injury to insult. And worst still, war makes the population both scared and nationalistic, so they will be more likely to surrender the power their forefathers fought for and gave to them, like their constitutional rights, to the government so that they can believe that they're better protected. So what I'm saying here is that Israel isn't the only beneficiary. A lot of people are making out like bandits and it's in their best interests to keep the war wagon rolling right along. They aren't starting wars or engaging in any conspiracies, they're just whispering in politicians ears that war is good for America and what's good for America is good for them, wink wink. Got it? Cool. Next caller please. Hello, you are on the air with Fireaxe.

Caller Number 3: Hi Brian, I read your newsletter every two months and it's great, but…

Brian: Hold that thought while I gloat for a while. (a pause here where finally no one says anything) Thanks. Go on.

Caller Number 3: What I was going to say was that you're good at saying what's wrong with everything but you never say how we can fix it. How about offering some solutions?

Brian: Well, I…well… (another pause here, but not one that Brian did on purpose) You know, I think that you're right. I should offer some kind of answer to the problems that I point out. Now I'll admit that without having all of the facts and without doing any experiments I can only guess at something that will work, but I'm willing to give it a try.

Caller Number 3: Alright! So let's hear how you'd fix the deal with corruption in congress.

Brian: Well, the problem is people wanting more, and there's a limited supply of everything, which is why there is so much fighting. We're all competing over the same things. So we've got too many people and not enough to go around. So if you rule out the wholesale slaughter of greedy people, and I'll do so here just for the sake of argument, I mean, it's not that it's a bad idea, it's just that it's been tried in the past at it doesn't seem to work out, so then the only other solution is to create more things that people value. This isn’t as difficult as it sounds, I mean Alan Greenspan has already shown us the way. One thing that we can do is to print lots more money. Well we don't need to print it any more, these days money is just numbers in a computer somewhere. So whenever people feel too down or depressed we just have the Fed Chief wave his magic wand and Presto! Everybody's bank account goes up**. Congratulations, you're richer, now go out and buy something and stimulate the economy. And virtual money is just the tip of the iceberg. In addition to virtual cash we need virtual everything. We need virtual reality and we need it to be a lot more satisfying than it already is so that people will spend even more time in the computer world. I mean, it's already starting to happen and that's a good thing. Why? Because things aren't so limited in virtual reality, and in fact some things are actually infinite. For instance, maybe you can't have a mansion in real life, but in virtual reality you can have a mansion, or a castle or the freaking Taj Mahal if you want. The sky is the limit, just let yourself go. Plant a virtual garden and walk your virtual dog across your own virtual ranch. Don't like the view? Change it. Push a button and presto, you live in the Himalayas, or the Bahamas, or in some wild metaphysical paradise. Drive an exotic car of your own design to work every day, or ride a horse, or fly over fantastic vistas on virtual wings if you like. And every day can be an adventure. Be Harry Potter one day and Frodo Baggins the next. Live out your action hero dreams and your every romantic fantasy. There is truly nothing that can't be done in virtual reality. Does it sound too easy? It doesn't have to be. The virtual world can make you work hard for everything if you want a challenge. What if things are too hard? No problem. Turn down the difficulty level and reach all of your goals. And if you get bored, in a flash your entire world can transform into the next fad that catches your interest. There's no need for a closet full of recreational equipment that you don't use anymore. And there's no need for a lot of the expensive crap that clutters up your home. Virtual reality is fully recyclable. After all, it's just bits spinning around on a hard drive. Welcome to the great green dream machine.

** How this really works is that the Fed creates money in its own bank account and loans it to the government. More money goes into the system and the rich end up with most of it. But they're nice and so they'll let you borrow some of their booty, and Presto! You're richer. Kind of.

Caller Number 3: Uh, so everyone is plugged into virtual reality all the time? That sounds a lot like "The Matrix".

Brian: And that makes it bad? Look, I spent plenty of my youth chasing after virtual rewards and trying to complete virtual quests. It's fun and rewarding and so I know that this is what people want. We just have to make it about something more than virtual knights whacking the crap out of virtual orcs. For instance, speaking of "The Matrix", if you want to live out your Neo fantasies, that can happen in the virtual world too. Choosing the red pill can be just another computer simulation. And think about this. How do we know that Neo really did find "reality" when he chose to see it. Maybe what he was really choosing was his own virtual adventure of rebellion against the system since that was more rewarding to him. Maybe he never left the matrix at all. Now, I don't want to sound like a pimp, but, virtual reality can give you anything you want. So why not go for it?

Caller Number 3: Yeah, but, it wouldn't be real.

Brian: For all intents and purposes, it would be. Look, all that reality does is stimulate neurons in your brain. If virtual reality can be made to do the same thing then your brain won't know the difference. It won't matter to you which world you are in and there's no question in my mind that the virtual world can be made a whole lot better than the real one. Everything can be made more intense, more exciting, and more satisfying, easily. Just boost the signal. And what's more is that we won't have to force people into the virtual world. All we have to do is just give them one taste of it and they'll want to spend their whole lives in the dream machine. And here's the real beauty of this solution, when you're in the virtual world, you're using up a lot less resources than you'd be if you were trying to live out your fantasies in real life. That's the problem with reality, we're so greedy that we're sucking the life blood out of the world. But in the virtual world you can have wealth without taking it from others, you can have all the sex you wanted without any risk of disease, and you could pretend to be the leader of the world and conquer your enemies without real people dying trying to make your dream come true. So I say we create a virtual reality simulator for everyone on the planet, lock everyone inside, and enjoy the rest of our lives in the limitless world of virtual dreams.

Musical Interlude: "Drink deep from the source of all dreams. Feel the madness birth a new dream."

Caller Number 3: Wait, what about children? How do we survive as a species?

Brian: The answers are virtual children, and, we don't. We simply program our virtual reality to make us think that we've got all of our problems solved. In less than one hundred years we'll be all gone and we won't care. Plus, the earth will thank us for it.

Caller Number 3: You're kidding, right?

Brian: No. Now, I just described what people tell me heaven is like. Infinite joy forever. And virtual reality can get us there, or at least as close as we'll ever get. People live for the dream of heaven and they die for it too, so of course people will embrace a virtual world. I mean seriously, what is religion if it isn't a primitive version of virtual reality? What, with heaven and hell and reincarnation and all of those gods and angels and demons running around, it's pretty much Diablo II without all the cool special effects. And what's more is that spiritual experiences are all in the brain. We've known that since the 70's. All it takes is a few jolts of electricity in the right spots and we experience all sorts of "divine" sensations. You don't need to use drugs or go insane. If you want to talk to your god you can easily do that in virtual reality, and it would feel just as real as the religious experiences that the Apostle Paul and Joan of Arc had. How does that measure up to drab old reality? And no more waiting for Jesus to come, it would actually happen, in virtual reality that is. We could just whip up a Revelations simulation for Christians and they'd be in total bliss. Think of how righteous they'd feel watching all their favorite sinners burning forever.

Caller Number 3: Sure, but no more humans?

Brian: Well, okay, there are a few of us who don't always have to have more, more, more, and have it now, now, now. We could live out our lives like our ancestors did: hunting, gathering, and treating the earth with respect. And if anyone started to build something out of stones, well, we'd just have to take them down into the secret cave and hook him up to the dream machine. Then he could live out his pyramid and ziggurat dreams to his heart's content without messing everything up for the rest of us.

Musical Interlude: "With ziggurats so high that they will touch the clouds…"

Caller Number 3: Nah, that's not for me. Oh, wait, I'm getting a call on my other cell phone. Hang on, I gotta take this…

Brian: Yeah, sure, the dream machine's not for you. (laughs) Of course, we could always be less greedy, but you can't sell the urge to not want. It's a contradiction. Next caller. Hello, you are on the air with Fireaxe.

Caller Number 4: Hey, Brian. I was reading The Burning Blade and I wanted to know why you're such a loser.

Brian: Thanks for calling in you insipid worm. For those of you not sure of what he's talking about, in edition 9.2 of "The Burning Blade" I revealed that in my thirty-nine years on this planet that I'd only had sexual relations with one woman. Just one. And also in that edition I described her as "a woman whom no one wanted". In other words I'm one year and one woman away from being a forty year old virgin. Which, come to think of it, probably would have been better because that movie looked like a lot of fun for the guy. Just kidding.

Caller Number 4: (laughs) So, it's true?

Brian: It's true. Let me make a few important points first though before I try to explain why it happened. First of all, don't cry for me. From what I've seen in my thirty-nine years, my relationship with my friend/lover was as good or better than what most people experience in their lifetimes. We shared ten wonderful years, and a couple not so wonderful years too, but those ten years were what most people refer to as the 'honeymoon period'. We had common interests and common views and we got along very well. The sex was fulfilling and plentiful, and I never had any desire to chase other women, ever. To be honest I wouldn't trade my lone relationship for a series of stormy hookups with highly desirable women. So if you haven't spent ten wonderful years with a woman, any woman, then maybe I should be calling you a loser.

Caller Number 4: Hey, banging lots of babes makes you a man.

Brian: Quantity over quality? Get serious. What makes you a man is knowing when to say no, not spewing your juices into every hole that lets you inside. Got it? Now, I see three strong reasons for my lack of experience. The first is simply that I have standards. I stay away from loose women and vulnerable women and I have no interest in trying to get laid just to get laid. What I want is a serious, long term, exclusive relationship and I'm not willing to compromise. The next two reasons are far more complicated.

Caller Number 4: Let me guess, you can't get it up and you need roofies to score?

Brian: Listen up punk, and you might learn something. One of the more disturbing modern trends is something that I like to call the "Commodification Of All Things". Now, most people will agree that something becomes a commodity when it can be purchased, for instance, mail-order brides make marriage a commodity. But I would contend that anything that lends itself to marketplace dynamics can become a commodity, and that when the marketplace for that thing includes a large share of all that is out there, the thing in question has essentially become a commodity, even if it isn't bought and sold for money. What I am seeing is that, and I really don't know a good word to describe it but I'm talking about the rush of love, sex, intimacy, and joy that comes at the beginning of a new relationship, that feeling has become a commodity.

Caller Number 4: How about calling it f@&&!^$?

Brian: Watch your language, this isn't satellite radio. Anyway, it's more than that. It's basically that honeymoon period I referred to earlier where you feel that tingling of anticipation, you dream of an ideal future with the target of your affection, you fall head over heels in love, or lust, and everything seems to be wonderful with the world. I think that everyone would agree that it's one of the best things that anyone can feel. So for lack of a better word, I'll just call it 'bliss'. Now in the past you'd feel bliss only a few times in your life, such as the first time you fell in love, the first time that you had sex, umm, make that the first time that you had good sex, and you'd feel bliss on your wedding day and when you had children. After that your honeymoon fades and being with your spouse isn't so blissful anymore. You get into the day to day grind, year in and year out, and bliss is only a pleasant memory or something felt vicariously. In the past it seemed that people were satisfied with that, but today I think that the situation has become dramatically different. I think that due to a growing feeling of dissatisfaction in the general population, which I'd refer to as a general deepening of the permanent psychological deficit, people desire and even require the feeling of bliss far more strongly and frequently than before. So when your lover or spouse no longer gives you those wonderful, blissful feelings that you long for, your relationship begins to sour and you start looking for someone new and exciting. A number of modern trends appear to bear this out, such as the rising divorce rate, kids not waiting until they're older to have serious relationships, adults waiting longer to get married if at all, and the wild proliferation of infidelity. A lot of people blame the media for these trends and they do much to sell the dream, but I think that the media is just a reflection of our inner desires. Sex is fast and loose in movies and on television because we love that feeling of bliss and want to feel it vicariously as well as in real life.

Paid Silly Broad: Viva la sexual revolution!

Brian: Right. Now, in the past, and I'm speaking in general terms here, people would only play the field for a few years in high school or college and then pair up for life. In any given area there would be a dwindling supply of eligible men and women as people got married. This makes the less desirable people relatively more desirable and over time most people would end up getting hitched. Everyone would have their moments of bliss and then they'd get on with the important business of supporting the community and raising their children. Today, we play the field for a lot more than a few years. In fact, we don't have to stop playing the field, ever. We can keep ourselves "on the market" for most of our youth and even well into adulthood. And with divorce and infidelity so commonplace people aren't necessarily off the market even when they are married. If you are seeking bliss, it can potentially be found anywhere with anyone at anytime and thus the marketplace is always open, twenty-four seven. You don't have to settle down if you don't want to and you don't have to stay married if it doesn't feel good anymore. You can just keep going from one lover to the next in a wide open market, living off of the current feeling of bliss for as long as it lasts. Lifelong bliss seems to be within our grasp. Now, like any other market you have buyers and sellers and some sort of pricing mechanism based on desirability. Despite women's liberation, men are still pretty much the buyers and women the sellers and because of the additional urgency placed on men by their more active sex drive it's basically a seller's market.

Paid Silly Broad: (in an Asian accent) They so horny. They so horny.

Brian: Exactly. Of course, some women are driven by their biological clock as they get older, but the general rule holds. The more desirable you are the more buyers you attract if you’re a woman, or the more "purchasing" power you have if you're a man. Now, desirable men often make a whole lot of purchases, and with the sexual revolution, so do desirable women. As a result, most of the action in the market is dominated by those with greater desirability who can hook up frequently and who have a wider choice of partners. For those with less desirability, hookups are fewer and farther between and the pickings can be slim. Now, that's no different than in high school or college, but since today's market never truly tightens up, the least desirable people, mostly men since the market favors women, end up on the short end of the stick for a long time, sometimes indefinitely. Think about it. Why should anyone settle for less when there are new people coming onto the market all the time? And why take yourself off the market by settling for less and miss your chance with someone more desirable? Thus, market forces play out, bliss is bought and sold as often and as easily as a Miami condo, and the 'poor' end up getting screwed, or not getting screwed as the case may be.

Paid Silly Broad: So wait, you're telling me that you're one of those undesirables?

Brian: The empirical evidence states that clearly.

Paid Silly Broad: Umm, huh?

Brian: Let me rephrase that. Chicks don't dig nerds.

Paid Silly Broad: No, you're wrong. I totally want Bill Gates to plug his hard drive into my mother board.

Brian: Let me rephrase that again. Chicks don't dig nerds who aren't billionaires.

Paid Silly Broad: Well, yeah, you're right.

Brian: Thank you for being so honest.

Paid Silly Broad: You're like Dilbert with a guitar.

Brian: You can stop being so honest now.

Paid Silly Broad: No, wait, you're more like Charlie Brown. Yeah, that's it. You're Charlie Brown and you want that little red-haired girl so bad, so you're outside her window playing your heart out and singing "Earthbound Goddess" and she's inside with Schroeder getting her brains bonked out.

Musical Interlude: " You're my earthbound goddess. You're my heavy metal. You are all I wanted, and above you there's no other." (is interrupted by) Unh, unh, unh, unh, unh, yeah!!!!

Brian: Good Grief.

Paid Silly Broad: (laughs)

Brian: Thanks for that lovely visual. I'm sure that you just traumatized half of my audience, and you know what that means.

Sound Effects: "You're Fired!" - spoken by "The Donald" followed by the hissing of a young woman bragging to the egotist about how much Playboy is going to be paying her for doing a nude photo shoot now that she's famous.

Brian: Okay, next caller. Hello, you are on the air with Fireaxe.

Caller Number 5: Hi Brian, so what's the solution?

Brian: Excuse me?

Caller Number 5: Whenever you mention a problem you're supposed to offer a solution, right?

Brian: Oh boy. Let me think about that one for a moment.

(Commercial break)

Musical Interlude: "Searching for love. Searching in vain. The promise of pleasure delivering pain. The closer we came, the more we could feel, the wounds of the past, wounds that never heal."

Brian: We're back. Let's go to the next caller. Hello, you are on the air with Fireaxe.

Caller Number 5: Hi Brian, so what's the solution?

Brian: Not you again.

Caller Number 5: You never answered my question.

Brian: Well, I think that the whole virtual reality thing covers it pretty well. I mean, you can have a virtual lover, or more than one come to think of it, and then it doesn't matter what the market does, you're set.

Caller Number 5: Hey, quit dodging the question. Sure virtual reality is going to be great, but what do we do in the meantime?

Brian: Okay, you got me. Here goes. In the past we've tried to go back to forcing people to pair up for life. We're basically talking about religion and guilt and shotgun weddings and everyone looking down their noses at those home-wrecking divorcées. Repression city. Now, as much as all the lunatics on the religious right think that this will solve the problem it never has, ever. We always end up right back where we are now where humans indulge in all the wild, promiscuous, and deceitful sexual practices typical of Chimpanzees and Bonobos. So my solution is to say, "Why fight it?". In fact, we should go for it. I propose that we out-monkey our nearest relatives and turn the world into one big sexual free-for-all.

Caller Number 5: All right!

Brian: First of all we need a fair marketplace, and that means equality of the sexes. Now, currently men's sex drives are far more powerful than women's and that's what makes it a seller's market. So that is what needs to be fixed first. Now, the sexual revolution and its droves of mindless boomer followers have done a good job of making women think that sexual promiscuity is both fun and empowering. To that I say, praise to Ishtar!

Brief Musical Interlude: "Praise to Ishtar. She is clothed in pleasure and love."

Brian: Oh, you bet she is. Thanks to the influences of feminists and free love advocates, millions of women are discovering their inner slut. Now this was all starting to even the playing field but then some drug company goes and invents Viagra and the next thing you know a whole bunch of horny old baby boomer dudes come roaring back onto the market, messing things right back up again. Yeah, you know who they are, these fifty-something guys who've been ogling the low-rider and thong wearing skanks that their daughters hang out with, and now these pharma-pimps want to relive the summer of love without all of that hippie crap about not trusting anyone over thirty. Thanks Pfizer, you Pfuckers. So now we need a version of Viagra for women that's twice as strong as the male version just to try to even things out. I know, they could call it "Niagra" or something. But we'd probably have to force women to take it or trick them into it. Maybe we could put it in chocolate or cheesecake or something like that. That ought to work. But when we finally have a balance between the sexes we might stand a chance of living up to those ridiculous feminist ideals where women actually pursue men and ask them out as much as men pursue women. And if that happens then finally all us undesirable men will end up getting some action, even though it will generally be with undesirable women, which isn't bad at all, really.

Caller Number 5: Yeah, it sounds awesome.

Brian: I'm not done yet. Even with Niagra the market is still going to be top heavy, with the most desirable people getting the most action, and that means that the undesirables aren't going to get enough sex. So the answer is that we need to rig the free market, and the best way to do that is to get the government involved. Now, I'm no communist and I'm not one for quotas, but what I think would work the best is for the government to assess a sex tax and re-distribute that money to undesirable people in the form of redeemable coupons. It's simple. The more undesirable you are the more coupons you get. Now here's the genius part. When anyone has sex with someone who's undesirable, they'll get a coupon as a reward, and then they'll be able to trade that coupon in for cold hard cash.

Caller Number 5: (laughs) So it's like prostitution in reverse?

Brian: Exactly. Think about it. You've got one person who's hard up for cash and you've got another person who's just hard up, and bang, the problem takes care of itself. Government sponsored sex coupons. Well, we could use a catchier name. I know, fuckbucks, or just F-bucks for short.

Caller Number 5: (laughing uncontrollably)

Brian: I'm telling you, fat chicks and bald guys would rejoice. I mean, someone like me would go walking into a singles bar and all the pretty ladies would turn their heads and be like, "wow, look at the huge glasses and shiny cranium on that weirdo, I'll bet that he's loaded with F-bucks". I'm telling you it would be like Las Vegas every night. And just think about what a Star Trek convention or ComicCon would be like. Babe city. And hey, ladies, there would be a line of studs outside of every Cinnabon and Krispy Kreme store just waiting to lick the powdered sugar off of your lips. Just imagine the possibilities. Get ready for the New World Or-gy.

Caller Number 5: Yeah, and there'd be lots more hot high school teachers going after zit-faced teens. Ch-ching!

Brian: And all perfectly legal, but only if the teacher is a woman that is. We'd still have to enforce that double-standard. But this would change everything. Instead of looking at ugly women and thinking "dog" or "cow", guys would be thinking "cellphone" or "iPod". I mean, we'd be stimulating the economy. Literally stimulating the economy! And it would work, I mean, people marry for money all the time, we'd just be formalizing and subsidizing the arrangement. If you marry an ugly dude or an ugly chick, you'd be set for life.

Caller Number 5: So how about this, if Jessica Simpson walked into NASA…

Brian: It would be like she won the lottery.

Ending Comments

The solutions given above are not serious suggestions. However reasonable they may sound do not try these at home, at your office, in your country, or anywhere, especially the thing about the F-bucks as they're probably illegal. Plus, there's a serious risk of Alan Greenspan showing up at your door with his hands full of freshly printed Federal Reserve F-bucks and demanding sexual favors from you and your neighbors.

Yuck. I think that I went one hideous visual too many. Maybe. Well, let me try one more: Jessica Simpson and Alan Greenspan…uh oh, feeling queasy…and George Lucas…urp…no, still okay…on the floor and getting all nasty and sticky and…

(sounds of horrendous vomiting)

Brian Voth - Creator of Fireaxe

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